The Lord of the Jurassic Parks
by Drew L
Summary: My first LotR fanfic. It is a strange cross-over between LOTR: FotR, Jurassic Park, and Raptor Red. Just read it. PLEASE Review, as well. The final chapter has been added. Yahoo!!!!!
1. Default Chapter

The Lord of the Jurassic  
Parks  
  
Standard Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or books,  
Tolkien happily does. I just like them.  
  
(Now, don't get me wrong, I love LOTR, JP and RR. Your reading the  
work of a guy that grew up watching Mel Brooks' movies.)  
  
Prologue  
The island has changed:  
I can feel it in the swamp-water. I can smell it in the dung-piles. I  
can see it in the nests.  
Much that once was, is lost. Fore none now survived long enough, to  
remember it.  
It all began with the making of the great embryos of power:  
Three, were given to Mr. Mudlowe.  
Seven, to Dennis Nedre  
And nine, nine embyos were given to John Hammand, who above all else,  
desired to make a few good bucks (no wait, that's Nedre).  
Fore within these embryos was given the strength and unity to make a  
fortune, but they were all tricked, fore another embryo was made.  
In the lands of Biosyn, in the cracks of Mount Obscure-actor, the Dark Lord  
Dodgeson forged, in secret, a master Embryo, to control all the others. And  
into this Embryo, he poured his stupidity, his greed, and his will to  
dominate all genetically-engineered dinosaur park businesses.  
One Embryo to hatch them all.  
One by one, all the Free Parks went out of business to the power of the One  
Embryo.  
But, there were some, who resisted: A last alliance of Scientists and  
Rednecks marched against the armies of Biosyn, and on the slopes of Mount  
Obscure-actor, they fought for the freedom of Live-Dinosaur Theme Parks.  
The army of Rednecks, lead by their beloved leader, Jeff Foxworthy, and the  
army of Scientists, lead by Dr. Robert T. Bakker showed great skill on the  
battlefield.  
"Varmints, ready!" Jeff Foxworthy shouted to his drunken-hunter buddies.  
They took their stances and aimed their double-barrel shotguns at the  
approaching armies of Biosyn.  
"Aim as best you can at them, and not at me!" Foxworthy shouted, then  
added, "Fire!"  
His troops took their shots and few bullets hit their mark, but not many.  
The two armies met and a great battle ensued.  
Dr. Robert T. Bakker raised his writing-pen high in the air, announcing  
that victory was near.  
But, a dark and balding figure appeared, it was Dogdeson, with the Embryo.  
The armies all came to a halt as they watched in horror. The power the  
Embryo, could not be undone.  
With a mighty wave of it, he sent several men flying in all directions.  
Jeff Foxworthy charged at him with his mighty microphone, Narsil, ready  
bring all hell down on Dodgeson. But, it was all in vain, fore Dodgeson  
smacked Foxworthy aside.  
Foxworthy fell dead.  
In this moment, when all hope had faded, Isisdor Foxworthy, took up his  
father's microphone.  
He spoke into it, and the force of his voice knocked the One Embryo out of  
Dodgeson's hand.  
In the process, breaking the microphone as well.  
Dodgeson, the enemy of the Free Park-owners of Isla Nublar, was defeated.  
And the Embryo, passed to Isisdor, who had this one chance to destroy evil  
corporations, forever. But, the hearts of idiots, are easily corrupted, and  
the Embryo of power, has a will of its own.  
One day, computer-geeks attacked Isisdor's crew. In an attempt to escape,  
Isisdor lost the Embryo and was dragged off by the Computer-geeks to listen  
to them talk about megabytes or some other horrid fate.  
The Embryo, basically betrayed Isisdor, to his death. And It for 2, 500 dog  
years, the Embryo passed out of all knowledge.  
Fanfiction-Crossover History became legend, "Legend" was a flop at the box-  
office, and some things, that should not have been forgotten, were  
forgotten.  
Until, when chance came, it found a new weirdo.  
"My Preciousss." Gallstone hissed.  
It came to the creature Gallstone, who took it deep into the Lonely  
Internet-Postes, and there, it consumed him.  
"It came to me, my love, my love, my precious. Gallstone!" he would hiss to  
himself.  
In the East, whispers came of a shadow, rumors of a nameless fear, and no,  
it was not Ben Ladan, fore he has a name, although he does have the right  
attitude to be a Dark Lord.  
Anyway, the Embryo knew, its time had come.  
It deserted Gallstone, but then something happened, that Embryo had not  
intended, it was picked up, by the most unlikely creature imaginable: A  
Hobbiraptor, Raptor Red Bagginse of the Utah Plaines.  
Fore the time will soon come, where Extinct Creatures, who shape the  
fortunes of all. 


	2. A Rather Long, Overdue Party

CHAPTER ONE:  
  
A RATHER LONG, OVERDUE PARTY  
  
It was morning in the Utah Plaines, and Raptor Red Bagginse sat at her writing-table, writing the beginning of her book: "Going All the Way, and Regretting It", by Raptor Red Bagginse.  
  
She lived in a Hobbiraptor hole, not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filed with Deinonychus and a musky-hormone smell. Nor was it a bare, dry, sandy hole. It was a Hobbiraptor hole, and that means, not too hard, not too soft, but just right, it was once owned by three bears and blonde woman.  
  
It had a perfectly round door, like a porthole, painted black- crimson: the color of dry blood. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
"Going All the Way, and Regretting It" by Raptor Red Bagginse." She said as she smoked her pot, "A Hobbiraptors Holiday."  
  
"The incidents involving our journey to the Icky Mountain and the finding of the Embryo of Invisibility."  
  
"To start off: concerning Hobbiraptors, they are a little species of vicious carnivore who live in little holes and the only true love of theirs', is food. A thousand meals a day, when they can get it."  
  
"Ding, Dong. Ding, dong." The doorbell went.  
  
"Fiona, get the door!" Red called for her niece.  
  
The doorbell ringed again.  
  
"Where is that girl?" Raptor Re asked to herself, exasperated.  
  
"Fiona! She called, again.  
  
But, Fiona was not within earshot, she had snuck out in order to read a Danielle Steele book that her aunt had forbidden her to read.  
  
She was sitting under an anvil-tree that Raptor Red had many a time advised her not sit under. Around were the crushed corpses of many other Hobbiraptors that did not listen to their aunts. But, she did not care, she was the dumbest hero of the story and proud of it.  
  
Suddenly, she heard a very familiar voice singing a song. No one ever knew the lyrics because Peter Jackson decided to have Ian McKellen mumble rather than let the audience in on what he was singing.  
  
Excited to hear his raspy voice again, she ran in the direction that Fran Walsh was pointing.  
  
She ran up his wagon.  
  
"You're late, you varmint, the party starts in less than an hour and your fireworks still aren't ready." She said.  
  
"Oh, fiddlesticks! Er, I mean, a wizard is never late, Fiona Bagginse, nor is he an early bird, but arrives precisely when he means to. So, nah!" He said, sticking his tongue out at her.  
  
They stare at eachother for a moment, then burst out laughing for particular reason.  
  
"Its wonderful to see you again, Goondolt!" she shouted, and sprang at him.  
  
He caught her, and they hugged.  
  
"You didn't think I'd miss your aunt 'Red's birthday?" he asked.  
  
"So, what news of the outside parts of North America, tell me everything!" Fiona said.  
  
"Everything?" Goondolt asked, "Far too curious and eager for a hyper- active, nosy creature, mercy me!"  
  
"Well, what can I tell you? Life goes on, much as it has for this past age, whole of its own little World Wars, rebellions, and the like."  
  
"Scarcely stopping to smell the roses, something for which I am very thankful, those things have thorns, you know."  
  
"So, I here that is going to be a party of special-magnificence." Goondolt added.  
  
"You know Aunt Red, she has whole rampaging. Half the world has been invited."  
  
"Goodness greatious, me!" Goondolt explained.  
  
"And the rest is coming anyway." Fiona said, "She's up to something, she's quite lately been making a lot of phone-calls to 'Al's Moving Co.', and the like." Fiona added.  
  
"Oh' really." Goondolt said, innocently.  
  
"Okay, then, keep your secrets. Before you came along, we Hobbiraptors were rather ignored, just the way we like it, oh, huh, oh, huh."  
  
"Look, its Goondolt." Some Hobbiraptors shouted as they passed through the town of Slobbiton, on the way to Raptor Red's home DragEnd.  
  
"Goondolt! Goondolt!" some of the children of the town called, demanding a little magic trick.  
  
Goondolt ignored then.  
  
"What is wrong with you? They want to see some magic." Fiona said to him.  
  
"Oh, okay. I'll give the little brats some entertainment." He replied.  
  
Suddenly, a bunch of fireworks went off, scorching the children, who ran house crying.  
  
"Oh, I guess it was a good thing I set them off here, rather than at the party, then." Goondolt said, laughing.  
  
Fiona smiled.  
  
"Goondolt, I'm glad your back. Someone has to keep those kids from toilet-papering the trees in our front lawn.  
  
"I thought your gardener, Stan-dumb Oh'Gee did that." Goondolt replied.  
  
"He did, but aunt Raptor Red had too lay down some rules when Stan started using the fire-hose on them." Fiona answered.  
  
"Oh." Goondolt said.  
  
Fiona jumped off the wagon and ran off to play with some of her friends.  
  
Goondolt's wagon pulled up to DragEnd.  
  
On the front gate, there was a sign, it said: "No business, except for Party-Business, but if you're cute, I may do some "business" with you anyway."  
  
Goondolt chuckled to himself, and said, "Good old, sex-crazed Raptor Red."  
  
He walked up to the front door, and knocked.  
  
"No thank you!" came a reply, "We, as in I, don't want anymore "well wishes", "distant relations", or door-to-door salesmen."  
  
"And what about very, VERY, old so-called friends that shoved you out the door to go on the most miserable trip of your life?" Goondolt asked.  
  
Raptor Red opened the door.  
  
"Goondolt?" she said upon seeing him. She ran towards him with her arms outstretched, "My dear Goondolft!"  
  
The old "friends" embraced each-other.  
  
"One thousand, one hundred eleven years old, who would believe it, you have very strangely not changed at all. Which should be a dead giveaway that something is wrong, but your leaf has clearly slowed my mind." Goondolt said.  
  
Raptor Red, who is clearly choked up about seeing the wizard that sent her on a life-endangering journey, so long ago, invited him in.  
  
"Come in, come on in!" she said, holding the door open for him.  
  
"Let me take those to the hanger." She said as he handed her his umbrella-hat and his seven foot, sparking staff.  
  
"You want some tea, or something a lot stronger. I have some hard beer in the cellar if you like."  
  
"No, just tea thank you." Goondolt replied.  
  
"Okay," Raptor Red said, and ran off to get the tea.  
  
Goondolt walked into her study and saw the map that they used during the journey to the Icky Mountain.  
  
"I can get some eggs if you like, oh, Goondolt?" Raptor Red said when she entered her study and found him gone.  
  
"No, just tea." He said, suddenly behind her.  
  
"Aaaagh!" Raptor Red cried, in surprise, "You have got to stop doing that, you'll give me a heart-attack some day."  
  
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.  
  
"Raptor Red! Raptor Red Bagginse!"  
  
"I'm not at home!" Raptor Red called.  
  
"Oh, well I'll be leaving then, tell when your in, okay." The voice at the door said.  
"Okay." Raptor Red replied.  
  
"Oy. It's the Saxon-Bagginse, they're trying to get the house out from under me, but they'll they never get. MWAHAHAHAHAH!" Raptor Red said, then laughed just like Dr. Evil.  
  
"I have got to get away! I have to get out of here! The walls are closing in on me. Help! I want to see mountains again! Mountains!" Raptor Red screamed and ran at whole speed, right into right into a wall.  
  
"Fiona suspects something." Goondolt said. He was totally unaware that Raptor Red was having a little episode.  
  
"Well, of course she does, I couldn't have made it anymore obvious to her with my weird, convulsive, behavior." She replied.  
  
"You will tell her, won't you?" Goondolt asked.  
  
"Yes, yes, of course." Raptor Red, "I think she is still in love with the lands, the bars, the polluted waters, and the smuggy-like air. I'm old Goondolt, I way not look it, but I can feel it in my hips. They're not what they used to be, you know. I need a long disappearance, and I don't think I'll return. In fact, I mean not to."  
  
Later, Goondolt and Raptor Red were enjoying a good pipe and getting high while watching the party-grounds being made ready.  
  
"Ah, crack, the finest weed in the South stash." Raptor Red declared, and blew a smoke-ring.  
  
Goondolt chuckled, and blew out a little smoke-ship that went through the ring.  
  
"Goondolt, my very, VERY, ancient friend, this will be a night to get drunk on and not remember." Raptor Red said.  
  
Later, the party was underway. The guests danced the might away, drunk.  
  
Stan-dumb looked over his shoulder and saw the girl he had a crush on, Rosemary Chunky.  
  
"Hey." Fiona said, sitting down to Stan, "Go ask Rosemary for a dance."  
  
"Uh, duh, well, I think I'll get more drunk so that I can do something stupid, instead." Stan replied, and started walking away.  
  
"Oh, no you don't the last time you got drunk, you used a violin as a toilet." Fiona said, and shoved him toward Rosemary, who caught him and started to dance with him.  
  
Fiona laughed at this.  
  
Goondolt turned to the children, and said: "Here's a little treat for you, kids."  
  
The children turned tail and ran away in fright, remembering being scorched, earlier.  
  
Meanwhile, Raptor Red was telling an old adventure story to the children:  
  
"So, they we were, faced of with three monstrous T-Rexes, and they were all arguing over how they should eat us. Wondering if they should fart at us so that the smell would kill us, or if they should sit on us, and squash us into jell-o. Well, they spent so much time arguing, that the first Spinosaurs of the season crept up on them, and ate their livers!"  
  
The children started crying and ran to find their mothers.  
  
"You have such a way with children, Red. You should can babysit for us sometime." One the nearby adults said.  
  
"Thank you." Raptor Red replied.  
  
Goondolt chuckled some more, fore he was high, while he collected some more fireworks for the show.  
  
After he had left, two little figures walked up to the cart.  
  
"Come on, get in the cart and steal one of those fireworks." Dorkeodoc "Dork" Hard-Cider said to his friend, Peepin Fool.  
  
"Okay, okay. Give me some time." Peepin said, and jumped into the wagon and swiped the biggest one he could find.  
  
"Okay, now lets do something really stupid and set it off inside a house." Dork said.  
  
"Okay! Wee!" Peepin replied.  
  
One they were inside, they lit it.  
  
Meanwhile, Goondolt was telling one of his jokes to the Hobbiraptors:  
  
"Someone once said, the Scottish are Mc's and Mac's, the Irish are O's, and the English are Dicks."  
  
Suddenly, the house Dork and Peepin were in, exploded.  
  
"Wow." Peepin said, "Let's do that again!"  
  
"Not so fast!" Goondolt said, suddenly appearing in front of them, "Did you two really think you would get away with this."  
  
"Get away with what?" Dork asked, "Goondolt, we were just trying to help you."  
  
"Really?" Goondolt asked.  
  
"Yeah, so could you just let us off the hook? Pwease!" Dork said, giving Goondolt his best innocent-child look.  
  
"No." Goondolt said, flatly.  
  
Next thing they knew, they were peeling potatoes at a boot-camp.  
  
"Put your shoulders into it, soldiers!" Major Payne ordered them.  
  
"Speech!" the crowd back at Slobbiton chanted.  
  
"Oh, okay, okay." Raptor Red replied.  
  
"As you all know, I don't like any of you." Raptor Red started her speech, "I have some things to do, by."  
  
With that, she activated the Embryo that was in her pocket and disappeared.  
  
Raptor Red ran up to the house and as the crowd went insane while trying to find her.  
  
She entered her house and was surprised to see Goondolt there.  
  
"I suppose you think that was very clever?" he said.  
  
"Oh, come, come. It was just a bit of fun while playing with fire." Raptor Red replied.  
  
"There are many magic rings, kings, and things in the world of fantasy, and none of them are to be used for turning invisible, playing jokes, or sneaking into the girls' locker-room." Goondolt said.  
  
"Oh, your probably right, as usual. Darn it!" Raptor Red scowled, "You will keep an eye on Fiona, right."  
  
"Three eyes, as often as "I" can spare them." Goondolt replied.  
  
"Good, good." Raptor Red said.  
  
"And what of this Embryo of yours', is it staying also?" Goondolt asked.  
  
"Yes, yes, I have here in my pocket." She replied, taking it out, then turning her to Goondolt, "Its mine, my own, my precious."  
  
"Precious?" Goondolt asked, "It has been called that before, but not by you, Red."  
  
"What business is it off yours', when it comes to weird things I find?" Raptor Red snarled.  
  
"There's no need to be angry, I'm just sticking my into things, again." Goondolt answered.  
  
"You want for yourself!" Raptor Red yelled.  
  
"Raptor Red Bagginse! Do not take me for being a goony-dolt, I am not trying to get your to give it up so that Fiona can play with for 17 years, until we find out what it is!" Goondolt roared, causing things to fall of shelves and stuff.  
  
"Was that a very nice thing to do, Red?" Goondolt asked.  
  
"No." Raptor Red replied, hanging her head low.  
  
"Are you sorry." Goondolt asked.  
  
"Yes." Raptor Red said.  
  
"Come here and give me a hug, and then go to your room that is prepared for you in River Dale."  
  
"Okay." Raptor Red said, then started leaving.  
  
"Oh, Red." Goondolt said.  
  
"Yeah." Raptor Red said, turning to him.  
  
"The Embryo is still in your pocket."  
  
"Oh, right." She replied, and it out, then let it drop to the floor.  
  
Raptor Red walked out of DragEnd, for the last time, and walked along the lane, singing. Once again, we can't understand the lyrics.  
  
"Farewell, mighty Raptor Red, until Robert T. Bakker writes a sequel." Goondolt said.  
  
He stooped down to pick up the Embryo, but something flashed across his vision, a great nostril of fire.  
  
Goondolt backed away from the Embryo.  
  
For hours, Goondolt considered what had happened.  
  
Fiona came running in, yelling: "Aunt Red, Aunt Red."  
  
She stoped and picked up the Embryo.  
  
"She's gone then, hasn't she?" Fiona asked, "She talked so long about leaving, I didn't think she'd actually do it. I mean, she has tried this before, and then would forget what she was doing and then would just wonder on back home."  
  
"She has gone to stay with Elvis, she has left you DragEnd, along with all of her possessions, the Embryo is yours' now." Goondolt told her and had her put the Embryo in an envelope.  
  
Goondolt got and headed for the door.  
  
"Wait, where are you going?" Fiona asked.  
  
"There are some things, I must investigate with my sidekick, Watson. Keep the Embryo out of side. Keep it secret, keep it safe, and above all, never use it." Goondolt replied.  
  
"I don't understand." Fiona said.  
  
"Nor does anyone else." Goondolt answered, and left.  
  
Meanwhile, in the lands of Biosyn, the dreaded Computer-Geeks mercilessly tortured Gallstone with their talk of upgrades and stamp- collections. Finally, he could take no more.  
  
"Utah! Bagginse!" he cried in pain as they started reading him "War and Peace".  
  
Goondolt rode up the slopes of a hill in order to reach Condor, he saw Mount Obscure-actor erupting in the distance.  
  
He entered the city and went straight to the records room.  
  
He searched for one file in particular for quite some time. Until, he found it.  
  
It read:  
  
"In the year, 3,434, the twenty-second age. The Embryo has passed to me, the One that shall be an heirloom of my kingdom, fore I will risk no hurt to it. It is my preciousssss! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! The writing on the Embryo were at one as clear red flame, but that is a secret only a frying- pan can tell."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. 


	3. This is Like, Totally Unreal

Chapter Two  
  
This is Like, Totally Unreal  
  
It was evening back at the Utah Plaines, and the little Hobbiraptors were getting drunk down at The Green Spielberg Inn.  
  
Dork and Peepin were singing the infamous "Incoherent song":  
  
"La blah lei iw wow ow derins gak kal la la la dl fl el wla ldhj.hf."  
  
Fiona danced in a circle, merrily around the table.  
  
"I've heard that they're strange folk hangin' 'round our lands, and watchin' us." Gader Oh'Gee said to his old buddies.  
  
"All poppycock if you ask me. Just some ol' wives tales about dar bein' a war acoming."  
  
"What about what the Mad Bad Bagginse used to tell us." Another said.  
  
"Bah, she was cracked. And young Fiona here, she's cracking."  
  
"And proud of it! Proud, proud! You here that! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Fiona yelled, scaring some of Green Spielberg Inn's other customers.  
  
"I say if you keep your nose out of trouble, no trouble will come to you." Gader said.  
  
"Okay." Fiona answered, pondering where that last remark had entered his mind, "Got it. Right, Stan? Stan..?"  
  
Stan was too busy watching Rosemary bend over.  
  
"Stan! Stop drooling and answer me!" Fiona said to him.  
  
"Huh, what?" Stan said, coming back to reality.  
  
"Am I proud of cracking?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Duh, I don't know, Missis Fiona." Stan replied, "Do you like to be cracked like a vase?"  
  
"NO, NO, NO! Not that kind of cracked, I mean cracked as in crazy." She told him.  
  
"Oh, yeah, you are proud of being cracked." Stan-dumb answered.  
  
"Thank you." Fiona said, calming down, she reminded herself that Stan- dumb was dropped and landed on his head when he was a baby.  
  
"I guess we'll get going. Its almost closing time." Fiona said.  
  
"But, I want to watch Rosemary some more." Stan said.  
  
"Yes, I know, but you've over-watched her tonight, remember, your trying to go on a 'watching-Rosemary diet'." Fiona replied.  
  
"Oh, yeah, but I want to watch something." Stan replied.  
  
"You can watch from under the Western window."  
  
"Okay."  
  
They left the Spielberg Inn.  
  
"Good night, Stan." Fiona said, going up to her house.  
  
Stan, drunkenly, stumbled along the road.  
  
When Fiona entered her house, she sensed something was amiss. Her Playraptor collection had been moved.  
  
"Well, who was in here." She asked herself.  
  
Suddenly, a hand grabbed her from behind. Acting on instinct, she did a Judo move on the figure and flung whoever it was into the wall. Stan suddenly appears, wearing a cheerleader outfit, and starts chanting: "Fiona, Fiona, she's our gal, and if she can't do it, then no can."  
  
"Wait, wait. It's me: Goondolt. You fool of Hobbiraptor!" the figure shouted.  
  
"Oops, sorry." Fiona said, then notices Stan in drag for the first time, "Oh, my gosh!"  
  
"What? I thought it was stylish for this situation." Stan said, then left, crying.  
  
"Is it secret, is it safe?" Goondolt asked.  
  
"What is supposed to be secret and safe?" Fiona asked, confused.  
  
"The Embryo."  
  
"Oh, that. Um, I hid it somewhere seventeen years ago when you left, and have no idea where it is now." Fiona said.  
  
"What! I really am a goon-dolt, leaving it in your claws." Goondolt yelled, then the Embryo fell out of its hiding place.  
  
"Oh, there it is." Fiona said, relieved that she wouldn't be turned into something unnatural.  
  
"Good, there it is." Goondolt said, then picked it up with some pliers. And tossed it into the fireplace.  
  
"What are you doing?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Goondolt retrieved it from the fireplace and gave it to Fiona.  
  
"Can you see anything on it?" he asked.  
  
"No, why." She asked, then the letters appeared on the Embryo, "No, wait. There is something. Its some form of Jibberish, I can't read it."  
  
"There are few who can." Goondolt replied, "It is the language of Biosyn that I will not dare utter here."  
  
"Biosyn?" Fiona asked, curiously.  
  
"In the common tongue, it reads: "One Embryo to hatch them all, One Embryo to collect them, One Embryo to bring them all and into Idiocy, tie the knot."  
  
A little later, they were at Fiona's dining table.  
  
"This is the One Embryo, laid by the Dark Lord Dodgeson. For years it was dormant in Raptor Red's keeping, but no more Fiona. The Embryo has awakened, its heard it master's call."  
  
"But, Dodgeson was destroyed, he was destroyed." Fiona said, worriedly.  
  
"No, Fiona, his spirit remained here. His Computer-Geeks have multiplied, and his Corporation Biosyn is rebuilt. He is seeking it, seeking it. All his thoughts are bent on it. Fiona, he must never find it."  
  
"Right, we'll fry it, or boil, then eat. Then, he'll never find it." Fiona said.  
  
"My dear Fiona, it cannot be destroyed by anything we have here." Goondolt told her.  
  
"Well, we'll hide it, its not like Dodgeson's going to come knocking on my door for it, is he?" Fiona said, smiling, then saw the look on Goondolt's face, then asked with concern: " Is he Goondolt?"  
  
"Possibly." Goondolt replied.  
  
"Then.does anyone else know its here?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Yes, the creature, Gallstone knew, and he was captured. Then, tortured until he talked."  
  
"Then, you must take it, Goonbolt."  
  
"No, Fiona. I cannot take it, I don't know where it's been, and it smells, besides." Goondolt replied.  
  
"What must I do?" Fiona asked.  
  
To Be Continued. 


	4. Of Embryos and Stalkers

Chapter Three  
  
Of Embryos and Stalkers  
  
"You must leave, and leave quickly." Goondolt told Fiona as they packed up her stuff.  
  
"Where will little-old me go?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Get out of Utah, make for the Village of Flees." Goondolt answered.  
  
"And the Embryo will be away from Dodgeson's hands there?"  
  
"Your looking at me for answers, I'm just making this up as we go along!" Goondolt said.  
  
"Oh, well, I make my across the countryside, easily enough." Fiona said.  
  
"My dear little Hobbiraptor, your kind are truly amazing creatures. You can learn all that there is to know about their ways in an hour, and even after a couple of hours, they can still surprise you." Goondolt said.  
  
Suddenly, the grass under the window started rustling.  
  
"Oh, for Pete's sake!" Fiona cried, "You can come out already Stan- dumb."  
  
Goondolt looked at her questioningly.  
  
"He is trying to get out of the habit of stalking Rosemary, and I am acting as his Rosemary-Patch." She told Goondolt, who stood there, stunned.  
  
Stan climbed in through the window.  
  
"Can I come with you, Missis Fiona?" Stan asked, pleadingly, "I really want to come."  
  
"I don't know, who will look after my gardens?" Fiona asked.  
  
Stan pleaded with his master for two more hours.  
  
"Oh, please, Fiona. I want to come and see the outside world!" he said.  
  
"Well, okay, but as long as you don't wonder off in any random direction and getting yourself lost, as you usually tend to do." Fiona told him.  
  
"Oh, oh, I promise to be good, I promise!" Stan yelled, wagging his tail.  
  
"Right, well.we best better be off before any of Dodgeson's spies invade Utah." Goondolt said, staring at Stan-dumb in a strange manner.  
  
They managed to get out of Slobbiton, easily enough. When they reached the woods, Goondolt turned to the duo.  
  
"Now, be careful, both of you. The Dark Lord has many peeping-toms, in his service, grubs, snubs, scrubs, dweebies, dickheads, geeks, jocks, mutts, sluts, putts, and worst of all: fangirls." Goondolt told the two.  
  
Goondolt kneeled in front of Fiona in order to make eye contact, "Is it safe?" he asked.  
  
Fiona took her hand to her pocket to feel for the Embryo, "Yes, it is safe." She replied.  
  
"Good." Goondolt replied, "Never use it, fore the Mischelaneous Goons of Dodgeson will be draw to its stench. It wants be found."  
  
With that, Goondolt got on his horse.  
  
"Where are you going?" Stan asked.  
  
"To see the head of my order, he is wise, powerful, and there is no reason not to trust him. I will meet you in Flees" Goondolt said, confidently.  
  
Then, he road off into the distance on his horse.  
  
"What have I gotten myself into Missis Fiona?" Stan asked.  
  
"Well, what did you overhear during our discussion?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Nothing important.that is, I heard a lot about an icky, old Embryo, an evil businessman, and something about World War Three." Stan said to her.  
  
"There you go. Come on." Fiona said.  
  
They set off together, and soon, they were in a cornfield, where Stan finally began to chicken out.  
  
"This is it." He said.  
  
"What is it?" Fiona asked.  
  
"If I take one more step, I will have gone further away from home that I've ever been before. And that means I can't spy onRosemary."  
  
"Oh, Stan, stop being so pussy-whipped and come on." Fiona said.  
  
"I don't want to." He answered.  
  
"I'll give you a cookie."  
  
"Okay." Stan replied, excitedly, "Yay! A cookie!"  
  
Fiona gave him the cookie, but quite reluctantly, since he had eaten almost everything else.  
  
Meanwhile, Goondolt hurried to Isengoat, as fast as his horse would carry him.  
  
Suddenly, a voice is heard. It is sayng: "Smoke rises from the East, and its not from Ben Ladan's fireworks, and Goondolt the Pink rides to Isengoat, seeking my council."  
  
Goondolt arrives in Isengoat, and there, a man dressed in white, awaits him.  
  
"For that is why you have come, is it not, my old friend, Goondolt. You can trust me completely." The man said.  
  
"Sorehead." Goondolt said, bowing.  
  
"Come, let us walk in the walk gardens where anyone may be hiding in the bushes and trees, waiting to ease-drop on whatever we say out-loud to each-other." Sorehead offered.  
  
"Sounds good to me, Heady." Goondolt said.  
  
"That's Headley, NO, I mean, that's Sorehead. Why do you always do that?" Sorehead scowled, deeply annoyed.  
  
"Because, it is always a good laugh watching you momentarily think your Harvey Koreman." Goondolt replied.  
  
"You will get yours' for that joke someday, Goondolt." Sorehead said, pouting, "Anyway, what have you to report."  
  
"Oh, yes, I have found the Embryo of power." Goondolt replied.  
  
"Really, where is it? Do you have it!" Sorehead said, eagerly.  
  
"No, it is safely in the hands Fiona Bagginse, I have the upmost confidence in that girl, that she will not mess up in any way, what-so- ever." Goondolt said, very confidently.  
  
"I see." Sorehead said, remembering the disastrous results from the last time Goondolt sounded so confident.  
  
"How lond did it take you to figure out that it was the One?" Sorehead asked.  
  
"One hundred years it was right under my nose." Goondolt replied.  
  
"I see, you did not have the wits to see it, the Hobbiraptors leaf, has." Sorehead started.  
  
"Yes, yes, I know. 'It has clearly slowed my mind.' I know." Goondolt said, "There is silver-lining, though. We have time to defeat Dodgeson if we do a better job at acting than Elijah Wood did in, "The Two Towers".  
  
"TIME! What time do you think we have?" Sorehead asked.  
  
"Well.Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November. All the rest have 31 except February with 28, or 29, depending on the case, and of course, there's."  
  
"SHUT UP! Come with me and I'll show you." Sorehead interrupted Goondolt.  
  
They both went into Sorehead's tower, and what a pain in the buttocks climb it was.  
  
"Now, I think you will find we're very short on time." Sorehead started to say, but paused. He just then noticed the absence of Goondolt.  
  
He peered down the staircase, and saw Goondolt catching his breath, several stories down.  
  
"I'll be up in a minute." Goondolt called, breathlessly.  
  
"Oh, sure, when they were giving out human bodies for us Istari to inhabit, I had to be the last one in line and wound up with this old man's body, and was expected to get around easily with this. That bastard, Valinor." Goondolt muttered under his breath.  
  
A few hours later, Goondolt finally managed to scour the staircase.  
  
"Now what were you going to tell me." Goondolt asked.  
  
"Nothing." Sorehead cries out, surprised, he had something behind his back.  
  
"What's that you have behind your back." Goondolt asked.  
  
"Nothing." Sorehead answered, rolling his eyes, innocently.  
  
"If it's nothing, why can't you show it to me?" Goondolt asked.  
  
"Its none of your concern." Sorehead scowled.  
  
"I want to see it." Gondolt said, and lunged at Sorehead. They wrestled on the ground for several minutes. Until, Goondolt pinned Sorehead to the ground.  
  
"Let me see it, or I'll cut your hair." Goondolt declared, holding up a pair of scissors.  
  
"Okay, okay, I'll show what it is." Sorehead held it out.  
  
"A snow-globe is dangerous tool Sorehead." Goondolt told his old friend.  
  
"Why?" Sorehead asked as he pushed Goondolt off him and made his way to his throne, "Why should we be afraid to use it."  
  
"They are not all accounted for, the lost seeing globes, we do not know, who else may be out peeping on someone." Goondolt said, taking the globe from Sorehead, and placing it on a stand, then covering it with a cloth.  
  
"Now, to get down to business. We have to alert all the Free Park owners of this renewed threat." Goondolt exclaimed.  
  
Goondolt starting to take his leave, but when got to the elevators, they wouldn't open.  
  
"What new devilry is this?" he asked himself.  
  
"You honestly did not think that a hobbiraptor could contend with the Embryo of Dodgeson, there are none who can." Sorehead said, entering the lobby.  
  
"What are you saying, you're breaking up with me?" Goondolt asked, horrified.  
  
"Goondolt! There never was an us! Get that into your skull, we were never a couple, for the last time!" Sorehead yelled, "What I am trying to say is, we must join with Dodgeson. It would be wise, my friend."  
  
"Tell me, friend." Goondolt asked, "When Sorehead the Thickheaded, abandon reason for loonieness?"  
  
Sorehead could take no more, at this point, "Arg!!!" he shouted and knocked Goondolt against the wall with his scepter.  
  
Goondolt retaliated and forced Sorehead to do bad ballet dance with his own staff.  
  
When he was through torturing Sorehead, he said, "That will teach to knock me the wall."  
  
"Oh, I have just barely begun to fight just like those old biddies at the end of "Willow". Sore declared, and forced to Goondolt to do a very bad rap routine.  
  
"Oh, you'll pay for that." Goondolt said, and lunged at Sorehead.  
  
What happens next? Just picture any one of scenes where the old men quarrel in the "Grumpy Old Men" movies.  
  
Finally, Sorehead takes Goondolt's staff.  
  
"Aha! I have you now, say uncle." Sorehead ordered.  
  
"Aunt." Goondolt replied.  
  
"Why you little.you think this over on the roof in that case." Sorehead growled, flames literally shooting from his eyes.  
  
"Fine!" Goondolt said, pouting, and made his way the roof, "I'll show you, I'll tell Bakker on you!"  
  
Back in Utah, Stan-Dumb was walking along in another cornfield.  
  
"Jeez, these fields just go and go, like my Dad when he gives me, "When I was your age", lectures." Stan muttered to himself.  
  
He entered the lane between rows, and noticed Fiona was gone.  
  
"Fiona! Fiona. Misses Fiona!" he cried.  
  
"What is it, Stan?" Fiona asked, coming into view.  
  
"I thought I lost you."  
  
"Huh?" Fiona said.  
  
"It was something Goondolt said." Stan said.  
  
"What did he say?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Count your blessings, keep them sweet." Stan answered.  
  
Fiona wasn't sure how that had made its' way into context with their current situation, but thought better of the notion of asking.  
  
Suddenly, something collided with her. Then, something ran into Stan. It was Dork and Peepin.  
  
"Fiona?" Peepin said in surprise, "Hey, Dork, its Fiona."  
  
"Hello, Fiona!" Dork said, excitedly.  
  
Get off her!" Stan said as he pulled Peepin off her, "While we're on this trip, she's my puppy."  
  
"What!" Fiona asked.  
  
"Er.I mean, best friend." Stan said.  
  
"Anyway, what are you doing with some of Farmer Slug's Crack-Weed?" Fiona asked, crossly.  
  
"Well." Dork began, but was interrupted by the sounds of Farmer Slug approaching.  
  
"Come on out here, you little varmints, I'll beat you till you can't heal anymore!" he yelled, "Come here! I'll break your necks!"  
  
"Very disincentive." Fiona said, then took off running with Dork and Peepin.  
  
"I don't know what your afraid of, its just Farmer Slug." Stan said, follow along behind them.  
  
"That's like saying, 'It's only Hurricane Andrew, and its coming this way'." Dork told him.  
  
"Oh." Stan said.  
  
"Stop!" Peepin said, as they reached a ravine.  
  
"What?" the other asked, right before running into him, sending them all rolling down it.  
  
"Ow." Fiona said, as she pushed an unconscious Stan off her, she had landed on uneven ground, and then Stan had landed on her.  
  
"Trust a Hard-Cider and a Fool." Fiona said aloud.  
  
"What?" Dork said, "That was a detour, a shortcut."  
  
"A shortcut to what?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Compy's!" Peepin replied, lunging at the little creatures.  
  
"Compy's!" Stan and Dork cried, and did little fangirl squeals, then joined Peepin in in collecting them.  
  
"Weirdo's." Fiona said to herself.  
  
"Huh, what." The author asked upon hearing what people usually called him.  
  
"Oh, nothing." Fiona said, "They're weird."  
  
"They're supposed to be weird, I made them that way." Drew L. replied.  
  
"Oh." Fiona said.  
  
"You better be getting back to the story, this chapter is very long." Drew L. added before leaving.  
  
"Right." Fiona replied, then started looking very nervous.  
  
"Think we should off the road." She said to her comrades, who were too busy, catching little Compy's.  
  
Suddenly, a little ways down the road, the clichéd SFX camera shot from a number of Al Hitchcock movies is used, and it frightens Fiona.  
  
"Get off the road, quit!" she shouted to them, this time they heard her and followed her.  
  
They hid behind little twig, in hopes of staying out of sight.  
  
"How many did you catch?" Peepin asked.  
  
A dark figure on black horse comes into view. It stops near the spot where the Hobbiraptors are hiding. It gets off its steed. Then, the thing gets on all fours, and starts sniffing at the ground.  
  
"It looks like he's in the wrong fiction." Peppin whispered, "Shouldn't he be in "A Christmas Carol", showing up at Scrooge's place? Showing Scrooge his dark future."  
  
"Or maybe it's the Grim Reaper? I don't wanna die!" Dork said, frightened.  
  
"Whatever it is. It's coming this way." Fiona said, suddenly, she felt some sort of power come over her. Despite all of Goondolt's warnings not to use it, 'it use' something inside her said, forget him, and took the Embryo out of her pocket.  
  
"Ew. What are you holding?" Peepin asked, seeing the Embryo.  
  
"Missis Fiona, stop!" Stan whispered, and whacked her hands, so that she couldn't use the Embryo.  
  
Dork tossed his pack over to some bushes, and the creature followed the sound of it landing.  
  
With that, the four Hobbiraptors took off running.  
  
"What was that? Was it the Grim Reaper, I don't wana die! I don't wana die!" Dork said, starting to cry.  
  
"Shut up." Stan-Dumb said, rather annoyed, and smacked Dork.  
  
"Ow! You hit me, I'm telling!" Dork wailed.  
  
"What was it looking for?" Peepin asked, "And why didn't it see us, we were pretty obvious behind that twig?"  
  
"It looking to take some poor souls to back to hell with it." Dork cried.  
  
"I think it looking for me." Fiona cut in.  
  
"Why?" Dork asked.  
  
"Well." Fiona said.  
  
"It looks like our little secret is out, Missis Fiona." Stan-Dumb said to her.  
  
"I thought you were in love with Rosemary." Peepin said.  
  
"I am, why?" Stan asked.  
  
"You said, 'Your little secret', and that sounds like you and Fiona have been doing the nasty." Peepin replied.  
  
"I'll have you that Fiona and I have never done a nasty!" Stan replied, indignant.  
  
"That wasn't quite what I meant." Peepin said.  
  
"Enough!" Fiona yelled, "What Stan-Dumb meant by 'our little secret', is that we're carrying something those things want."  
  
"Oh." Peepin said.  
  
"I got it!" Dork said, coming back to reality, "That black rider was looking for something someone was carrying. Right? Did everyone get that?" he said, turning to the movie-goers.  
  
"Boy, you're really Einstein today." Peepin said.  
  
"Really?" Dork asked.  
  
"No." Peepin replied.  
  
"Um, anyone notice how it suddenly became dark?" Stan asked, looking around.  
  
"Come on boys, I'll let you in on what's going on, on the way to the Buckelbelt Ferry." Fiona said to the others.  
  
Something shrieked in the darkness.  
  
"Sounds like Fran Walsh." Peepin declared.  
  
"Yeah, but what are her and Pete Jackson doing out here?" Dork asked.  
  
"Just filming." Mr. Jackson replied.  
  
"Do my eyes deceive me, or is that Gimly's twin?" Fiona asked, upon seeing Peter Jackson.  
  
"No, that's just our director, I thought we had lost a few miles back." Peepin replied.  
  
"Look!" Stan said, pointing to a dark form in the woods.  
  
"Its one of those things." Peepin said.  
  
The thing sat on its horse on the open path, as if sensing something.  
  
"I must get to Flees." Fiona told her friends.  
  
"Right, follow me." Dork said.  
  
He started making his way through the woods towards the Bucklebelt Ferry. They came to another open path. They went decided to cross it as fast as they could, but suddenly, one those cloaked figured came out of nowhere.  
  
"You shall not pass!" it hissed.  
  
"Hey, you stole Goondolt's line for later!" Fiona declared.  
  
"So, do you feel lucky, punk?" it asked.  
  
"You just stole another line."  
  
"Go ahead, make my day."  
  
"You just did it again!"  
  
"Shut up! I'll tell ghost mommy." It cried, and road away.  
  
"Well, that was easy." Fiona said.  
  
To Bo Continued. 


	5. Where Flees and Bombadil Dwell

Chapter Four  
  
Where Flees and Bombadil Dwell  
  
"Dork, how fare is it to the Bucklebelt Ferry again?" Stan asked.  
  
"For the thousandth time. We'll get there, when we get there." Dork replied.  
  
"But, I'm hungry." Stan whined.  
  
"Tough." Fiona said, quite annoyed by now.  
  
"Meany." Stan said.  
  
"Don't make me reach back there." Peepin said.  
  
Soon, they arrived at a riverbank. An old willow-tree was the only thing that sat near it. Suddenly, they heard a song, and a sleepiness started to overcame them, and they began, one by one, began falling asleep.  
  
Dork and Peepin sat against the old willow. Stan and Fiona were too stupid with tiredness to notice that it opened up and started to swallow their comrades.  
  
Stan turned around and noticed what was happening to Dork and Peepin.  
  
"There's more behind this than sun and warm air." He muttered to himself, "I don't like this great big, Hobbiraptor-swallowing tree. I don't trust it. Hark at it singing about sleep now!"  
  
He heard Fiona fall into the river. He turned to see her struggling with tree-root that was obviously alive. He grabbed her by the jacket and pulled her up and out of the water.  
  
"It pushed into water and was trying to drown me!" Fiona whined.  
  
"I think you were dreaming." Stan told her.  
  
"I was not! That tree is evil." Fiona said.  
  
"I am not evil." The tree replied, "I just like picking on things too small and weak to fight back, that's all."  
  
"Shut up, this does not concern you!" Stan said, sternly.  
  
"Fine." The tree replied, pouting.  
  
"Wait a minute, that tree just spoke." Stan said in realization.  
  
"Excellent logic, Holmes." Fiona replied, sarcastically.  
  
"Thanks." Stan said, not catching the sarcasm.  
  
Fiona walked over to the tree and starting pulling Dork's legs, in an attempt to free him of the tree. It was no use. The tree had him.  
  
"Stan, go get help. I'll continue to try and free our friends." Fiona told him.  
  
"Right." Stan answered, and ran off to find help, "Help! Help us, somebody." Stan yelled as he ran along.  
  
"Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo!  
Ring a dong! Hop along! Fal lal the willow!  
Tom bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!" a voice answered.  
  
"Huh." Stan said, confused.  
  
"Hey! Come merry dol! Derry dol! My darling!  
Light goes the weather-wind and the feathered starling,  
Down along under Hill, shining in the sunlight,  
Waiting on the doorstep for the cold starlight,  
There my pretty lady is, river-woman's daughter,  
Slender as the willow-wand, clearer that the water.  
Old Tom Bombadil water-lilies bringing  
Comes hopping home again. Can you hear him singing?  
Hey! Come merry dol! Derry dol! And merry-o,  
Goldberry, Goldberry, merry yellow berry-o!  
Tom's in a hurry now. Evening will follow day.  
Tom's going home again water-lilies bringing.  
Hey! Come derry dol! Can you hear me singing?"  
  
Stan did not quite know what to think, but he ran in the direction of the voice, anyway.  
  
"Hey! Derry dol, Merry dol, Old Tom, Goldberry, Merry Yellow Berry-o, Merry-o, or whatever your name is. Can you hear me?" Stan yelled in the direction of the voice.  
  
He ran as fast as he could towards whoever had been singing. A figure came into view, this sight caused Stan to speed up more.  
  
"Hey, you Can you come help me, my friends are in a mess." Stan asked him, as he sped up.  
  
"Whoa! Whoa! Steady there!" cried the figure, who obviously an old man.  
  
Stan stopped cold.  
  
"Now, my little Stan-Dumb, where be you a-going to, puffing like a bellows? What's the matter here, then? Do you know who I am? I'm Tom, Tom Bombabil, Tom Bombadillo. Tell me of what's your trouble! Tom's in a hurry now. Don't you crush my lilies!" Tom said. Gesturing to the lilies that Stan almost rampaged over.  
  
"I would tell you my troubles if you would shut up! Geez, I can see why Peter Jackson cut from the film." Stan shouted, exasperated.  
  
"Now, now, there's no need to.WHAT? That silly little fellow cut me, Tom, Tom bombadil, Tom Bombadillo, from the movie!" he cried.  
  
"Yeah, it must suck for you." Stan said, "Whereas I take center-stage in part three, "The Return of the Foxworthy".  
  
Bombadil sighed, "Well, where are your little Hobbitraptor friends?"  
  
"That's I what I tried to tell you, this great big willow-tree had gone and swallowed two of them." Stan said.  
  
"Old Man Willow! Naught worse than that, eh? Than can soon be mended. I know the tune for him. Old gray Willow-man! I'll freeze his marrow cold, if he doesn't behave himself. I'll sing his roots off. I'll sing a wing up and blow leaf and branch away. Old Willow-man!" Tom Bombadil said to no one in particular, and led the way back to Old Man Willow.  
  
"He has a way with words." Stan muttered as struggled to keep up with Bombadil, which was quite hard, since the old man walked at thirty miles per hour.  
  
Bombadil disappeared from view. Stan started to run after him. When he found his way back, Bombadil was standing by the willow tree. Fiona had managed to get herself stuck in the crack that Dork and Peepin had disappeared into as well.  
  
"Oh, great. It's the Bombadil-man" Old Man Willow muttered, "Go away! Your talk in the must complex, annoying way."  
  
"Old Tom will show you to eat Hobbiraptors, they give you stomach- aches, believe Old Tom, I know!" Tom replied.  
  
Stan eased his way, away from Bombadil, upon hearing this.  
  
Tom broke off a branch to hit the tree with.  
  
Old Tom started to sing: "You let them go, Old Man Willow! What be you a-thinking of? You should not be waking. Eat earth! Dig Deep! Drink water! Go to sleep! Bombadil is talking!" The crack widened and Bombadil pulled all the little Hobbiraptors out.  
  
"Thank you, whoever you are." Fiona said.  
  
"Yes, thank you. I am Dork."  
  
"Yes, I can that." Bombadil replied.  
  
"No, no, that's my name." Dork said.  
  
"Oh." Tom said, "Well, my little fellows and girl! You have quite a long journey ahead of you."  
  
"Which way is the Bucklebelt Ferry?" Dork asked.  
  
"What! You led us out here and you don't even know where the Ferry is?" Fiona cried, frustrated.  
  
"Well, I knew where it is, but forget." Dork replied.  
  
"What a dork." Tom muttered under his breath.  
  
"Your sure this is the way Bombadil said to go?" Peppin asked Dork, as they trotted along the path Bombadil showed them.  
  
"Yes, yes. I'm sure." Dork replied, "Why are you all questioning me?"  
  
"Because, it was your sense of direction that got us swallowed by a demonic willow tree." Fiona answered.  
  
"There it is." Stan said, pointing to the dock where the Ferry was.  
  
"Well, it seems I got us out a another mess." Dork said.  
  
"What a dork." Fiona said.  
  
They walked up to the Ferry. An old man who looked suspiciously like Goondolt came into view.  
  
"Goondolt?" Fiona asked.  
  
"No, I am Fizban, and I am searching for the Heroes of the Lance. Can you help me find them?" he asked.  
  
"Your in the wrong books, this is "The Lord of the Jurassic Parks", and your looking for "DragonSpeare"." Fiona told him.  
  
"Oh, fiddlesticks, er.I mean. A crazy old wizard is never in the wrong place, nor is he in the right place, but arrives precisely where he means to." The old man replied.  
  
"Yeah, whatever." Fiona told him.  
  
"Oo, I'll show you to make fun of me." Fizban said, "I'll send a fireball on you, and I'll.what was I saying?"  
  
"Oh, we don't know." Dork answered.  
  
"Oh, okay, see you later, then." Fizban said, and disappeared.  
  
"That was weird." Stan said.  
  
"Well, we better be getting going." Fiona said.  
  
"Right." Dork replied. He, Stan-Dumb, and Peepin got onto the ferry.  
  
"Hold on a minute. I have to relieve myself." Fiona told, and went into the bushes.  
  
"Okay, we'll wait." Dork said, accidently letting go of the rope that was holding the Ferry where it was.  
  
Foina emerged from the bushes, shortly after.  
  
"Hey!" she shouted, "Don't leave me behind! Dork, Peepin, Stan, come back! Help, Aunty Em, Aunty Em!"  
  
"I can't come back, I don't know how it works!" Dork replied, "So long, folks." With that, he jumped into the water.  
  
"You can't swim." Fiona called.  
  
"I just remembered that." Dork called back.  
  
Within a few minutes, Peepin and Stan pulled Dork back onto the Ferry and paddled back to shore to get Fiona.  
  
"Next time, wait for me. I'm the Embryo-bearer." Fiona declared.  
  
"I didn't know you were pregnant." Peepin said.  
  
"I'm not. I'm carrying the One Embryo of Power, remember?" Fiona said.  
  
"Oh." Peepin said.  
  
"Fool of a Fool." Dork said.  
  
They heard Goondolt's voice in the distance, "Hey! That's my line!"  
  
"Sorry!" Dork called back.  
  
"What a Dork." They heard him mutter.  
  
"Okay, enough is enough, would everyone stop using that pun?" Dork shouted.  
  
"Sorry, Dork. Hehehe." Fiona said, chuckling.  
  
"Yeah, I'm really sorry, Dork." Stan said, surpressing some laughs.  
  
"What's going on?" Peepin asked.  
  
"Nothing, I'm just being insulted." Dork replied.  
  
"Hey! Just get on the ferry. I can only keep the readers entertained for so long with funny dialogue." The Author, Drew L. cut in.  
  
"Okay." The four Hobbiraptors replied, and got on the Ferry.  
  
"Hey! Can we have your story?" Mike Nelson from Mystery Science Theater 3,000 asked.  
  
"No." Drew L. replied.  
  
"Dang, it looks like rain." Peepin said, gazing up at the sky.  
  
"You want to know why it looks like rain?" Dork asked.  
  
"Sure." Peepin replied.  
  
"Because, it is raining!"  
  
"Oh."  
  
"And they accuse me of being stupid." Stan said to himself.  
  
"I see the village." Fiona told them, looking ahead of them on the trail.  
  
They went up to the entrance of the walled village, Flees, and knocked on the door. A man slid the window of the door open and looked out at them.  
  
"Who are you and what is your business here in Flees?" he asked.  
  
"We want to stay at "The Grisly Adams Inn." Fiona answered, "What we do here is our own business."  
  
"Right, just say the passcode first." The Gatekeeper responded.  
  
"I know it." Dork cut in, "It is: Shemmy, shimmy, rock. Shemmy, shimmy, cocoa puff, shimmy, shimmy, rock, shimmy, shimmy, cocoa puff! I got a girlfriend, she likes Flees, I stole my momma's wallet, and punch me in the stomach three more times!"  
  
"Come on in." the Gatekeeper said, and opened the door.  
  
"Okay." Fiona replied.  
  
They entered the village.  
  
"Anyone see the Inn?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Its over there."  
  
"Thanks. Who said that?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Not me." Stan replied.  
  
"Nor us." Dork and Peepin said.  
  
"Well, no matter. I can see it, now we better get it out of the rain." Fiona said.  
  
Dork opened the door to the Inn, and a foul smell came stampeding out from within.  
  
"Wow! It is really foul in there. I'm not going in." Peepin declared.  
  
"You have no choice, its in there, or the rain." Fiona said.  
  
"Oh, nuts." Peepin said.  
  
"Well, welcome, little masters." The barkeeper said as they entered the Inn, "If your seeking boarding for the night, we have some nice teeny sized available. Mrs.?"  
  
"Mrs. Under-Me." Fiona said, "We're looking for Goondolt the Pink, can you tell him we've arrived?"  
  
"Under-Me? Yes?" The barkeeper said, "Goondolt, Goondolt? Oh, yes, I remember, elderly chap, great white beard, Umbrella-Hat. Haven't him for six years."  
  
"What? What do you mean you haven't seen him for six years?" Fiona asked.  
  
"I thought it sounded the way I said it. I mean I haven't seen for six years." The barkeeper replied.  
  
The Hobbiraptors got into a little huddle.  
  
"What do we do, coach?" Peepin asked Fiona.  
  
"First, we wait around for a bit for Goondolt." She replied, "Come on, team, let's find a table to sit at."  
  
Fiona found a table fairly close to the fireplace.  
  
"He'll be here, Fiona, don't worry. He'll be here. YOU HEAR ME, HE'LL BE HERE!!!!!" Stan shouted, frantically trying to calm down Fiona, who was generally calm up until he starting shouting.  
  
"Um, right. Whatever you say, Stan." Fiona said, inching herself away from him.  
  
"Oh, thank you for calming down, Mrs. Fiona! I mean it, thank you!" Stan cried.  
  
At this point, Fiona had left to "get another beer".  
  
"I think Stan-Dumb is having little episode." Peepin exclaimed.  
  
"Gee, I haven't noticed." Dork replied, sarcastically.  
  
Just then, Fiona came back, with the mother of big mugs.  
  
"What's that?" Peepin asked.  
  
"This, my friend, is a gallon." Fiona answered.  
  
"It comes in gallons, I'm getting one!" Peepin declared and ran off to the counter.  
  
"But, you've already had enough to have had two gallons." Stan called after him.  
  
"Hey! Who's the pervy guy that's been staring at Fiona?" Dork asked.  
  
"A guy is checking me out?" Fiona asked, "You have to tell these things, or else how can I meet anyone?"  
  
"Well, I don't like the look of him." Dirk replied, pointing at a dark figure in the corner.  
  
"Pardon me." Fiona said to the Barkeeper, "That man in the corner, who is he?"  
  
"He's one of them rangers, smelly folk, they are, wondering the wilds, I've never heard his right name, but around here, he's known a 'Stinker'." The Barkeeper said.  
  
"Nah, he's not my type. I don't like dangerous men." Fiona said, after giving him another good look-over.  
  
"What about James bond?" Dork asked.  
  
"That's fantasy, in real life, if I hung around with a dangerous man, I'd be on an episode of "Cops", wearing a helter-top, yelling: "Lock his ass up! Lock his ass up!"  
  
"And he'd say, 'you better not touch any cigarettes, you hear me woman!' as the cops dragged him away" Fiona answered.  
  
"Oh, yeah. I see your point." Dork replied.  
  
She took the Embryo out of her pocket and began fiddling with it in her hands.  
  
"Bagginse, Bagginse." A voice whispered to her.  
  
"Bagginse? Of course I know her, she's over there, Fiona Bagginse." Peepin answered the questions of some suspicious looking persons at the counter.  
  
This brought Fiona back to reality. She ran up to Peepin, and tried to stop him.  
  
"Peepin, you fool!" she said, tripping over someone's shoe.  
  
"Calm down there, Fiona!" Peepin replied, drunkenly.  
  
Fiona fell to the floor, and the Embryo flew straight up in the air and landed in her hand again. She suddenly, disappeared into thin air.  
  
To her, it seemed that she was surrounded by water, yet she was not wet, and still in the bar.  
  
'Did I have more to drink than I thought?' Fiona asked herself.  
  
"Bagginse." The voice called, again.  
  
She turned to see a great nostril of flame coming towards her.  
  
"You cannot hide, I smell you. There is no life in the nose, only snot." The nostril said.  
  
Thinking quickly, she took the Embryo off her hand, and the world returned to normal. Well, as normal as could be expected in a world of fantasy.  
  
A hand grabbed her from behind and spun her around. It was the man called, Stinker.  
  
"Do you always want to drew this much attention to yourself, Mrs. Under-Me?" he asked.  
  
"So what if I do?" she asked.  
  
"Sh!" he said, and dragged her upstairs and into his room.  
  
"What you going to do to me? What do you want?" she asked him.  
  
"If could have what I want, my life would be SO much better." The man said, with a suddenly dreamy look in his eyes.  
  
"Right, weirdo." Fiona replied.  
  
"What post-egg liquid do you carry?" he asked.  
  
"I carry nothing." Fiona replied, "I am a wondering magician."  
  
"Indeed, I can avoid being seen, if I wish." he started to say.  
  
"You couldn't have been more obvious downstairs." Fiona pointed out.  
  
"Well.I wanted to be noticed, yeah, that's it." He said.  
  
"Whatever." Fiona said.  
  
"Anyway, they are coming, you can no longer wait for the Pink wizard." He told her.  
  
The door burst open, and Stan-Dumb, Dork, and Peepin rushed in, dressed as "The Powderpuff Girls".  
  
"Powderpuff Girls, ready to attack!" Dork shouted.  
  
"What the hell?" Stinker asked, "Are they always like this?"  
  
"You have no idea." Fiona replied.  
  
Meanwhile, the gatekeeper, sat out in the rain.  
  
"They don't pay me enough for this." He said.  
  
"THUMP!" something outside went.  
  
"Now, who would be out here at this hour." He wondered.  
  
He slid the window and didn't like what he saw, and no, it wasn't John Goodman in fishnets. It was what looked like the Grim Reaper, or the Ghost of Christmas Future with some buddies.  
  
They knocked the gate over on the Gatekeeper, and ran over it.  
  
"That's it, I quit!" The Gatekeeper shouted after being smashed under the gate.  
  
The Dark forms entered the Inn and went up the stairs. The leader opened the door to the room where Stinker and the Hobbiraptors were staying.  
  
The beds where obviously occupied by someone. Fore there were lumps under the covers.  
  
The Dark Riders took their positions over the beds. They raised their swords to go in for the kill, and again stabbing the lumps under the covers, but unknown to them, the Hoobiraptors were safely across the street with Stinker.  
  
Fiona shivered as the Riders shrieked in anger upon discovering that they had been tricked. The other three were awakened from their slumber by the noise. Stinker sat by the window and watched closely as the Dark Riders got back on their horses and road off into the night, making sure to run over the Gatekeeper a second time. And Babe Ruth was still on third.  
  
"What are they?" Fiona asked.  
  
"They are the Nasties, Genetic-Wraiths, neither fake nor real, at all times they can feel the presence of the Embryo, they will never stop seeking you while you hide.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 


	6. To RiverDale and StoneHengeTop

Chapter Five  
  
To RiverDale and StonehengeTop  
  
They wondered where they were going as Stinker led them deep into uncharted territory.  
  
"How do we know this Stinker is friend of Goondolt's?" Dork asked.  
  
"Well, Goondolt is always hanging around with shady characters. And doesn't seem to be interested in working with Dodgeson, or else he could've handed us over to the Nasties last night." Fiona replied.  
  
"Yeah, but where's he leading us?' Stan asked, while trying to get Will, the mule they brought along to cooperate.  
  
"To RiverDale Master Oh, Gee, to the house of Mr. Weatherbee." Stinker replied.  
  
"Did you hear that, we're going to see Elvis!" Stan said, excitedly.  
  
A while later that day Stinker stopped for moment to catch his breath. He turned around to check on the Hobbiraptors, one had to keep an eye them, or else they could get themselves in big trouble because of their curiosity. They were had their pots and pans out to cook stuff.  
  
"Lady and Gentlemen, we do not stop until nightfall." He told them.  
  
"What about breakfast?" Peepin asked.  
  
"You have already it, five times." Stinker replied.  
  
"But, what about Sixth Breakfast?" Peepin asked, "And what about the twelve days of dinner, supper, brunch, snacking, elevonies, ninties.You know about them, don't you?"  
  
"Don't count on it." Stinker replied.  
  
"Oh, well, can we stop anyway?" Peepin asked.  
  
"Well, let me think, um.no." Stinker said, firmly.  
  
"Ah." Peepin said, hanging his head low.  
  
"Next time, I'm babysitting four Pokemons." Stinker muttered under his breath.  
  
Soon, they came to a bog. The four Hobbiraptors were ready to go around, Stinker walked right on in.  
  
"No wonder they call him 'Stinker'." Dork muttered.  
  
They were attacked by several of the local insects.  
  
"What do they eat, then they can't get us." Dork asked, they struggled to get through the swamp.  
  
This was an unwanted task. There were times where it looked like a pool was shallow, but would turn out that it was a fake bottom, and they would sink right through it. This went on for hours, until Fiona, Dork, Peepin, Stan-Dumb had no idea of what was real or not.  
  
"We shall rest here for the night." Stinker declared when they came to a patch of solid land.  
  
They set up camp, and almost right away, three of the four Hobbiraptors fell asleep.  
  
Fiona was about to go to sleep, when she heard, Stinker, begin to sing a sad song in the language of Jibberish.  
  
"Who is she?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Who?" Stinker asked.  
  
"The woman you sing of."  
  
"She was the Lady Lothien, who gae her love to a mortal man, Durin." He answered.  
  
"What happened?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Melgore happened." He said.  
  
"Who was Melgore?"  
  
"Something even worst than Dodgeson."  
  
"Oh." Fiona exclaimed.  
  
"Get some sleep, Fiona. We have a long trip ahead, and a lot of time for you Hobbiraptors to mess up and nearly get me killed." Stinker told her.  
  
In the evening of the next day, Stinker took them to StonehengeTop, which was a circle of rocks that served as a watch-tower in olden days. Yes, even in the olden days of the olden days.  
  
Meanwhile. In Isengoat. Sorehead took out his Snow-Globe again, to contact Dodgeson.  
  
"What is your desire, Lord Dodgeson: evil ruler of Corporations?"  
  
"Build me an army, worthy of Biosyn." The nostril of Dodgeson replied.  
  
After their conversation, some Computer-Geeks entered the room.  
  
"What are our orders, what does the nose command?" one asked.  
  
Sorehead looked at them and answered: "We have work to do."  
  
Later, outside, the Computer-Geeks were pulling boulders out from the ground.  
  
Sorehead watched their progress with glee.  
  
"Their roots go down deep, my lord." One Computer-Geek said.  
  
"Dig them all up." Sorehead ordered, again.  
  
Goondolt, who had been sitting there, pouting on the rooftop looked over the edge to see what they were doing.  
  
'Oh, no.' He thought, 'They are pulling rocks out of the ground. They will pay, surely.'  
  
Meanwhile, back at the old fortress. Fiona had just woken up from a restless sleep to see her friends had started a campfire.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked, alarmed.  
  
"We cooked some nice, crispy bacon and Compy-meat." Dork answered.  
  
"We saved some for you, Mrs. Fiona." Stan-Dumb said.  
  
"You idiots, haven't you ever heard of 'The Three on a Match Rule'?" she cried out in exasperation.  
  
"Well, no, yeah?" Dork asked.  
  
"Put it out you morons, put it out!" Fiona yelled, and sprang at the fire, and stomped it out.  
  
Then, they heard a scream in the dark.  
They ran to over to the edge to see five Nasties coming their way.  
  
"No!" Fions yelled, and ran towards a nearby staircase.  
  
They stopped at the top, in the circle of stones. All eyes were watching entrances to clearing.  
  
Out of nowhere, seemingly, the first of the Nasties, appeared.  
  
Then, the other four appeared, and stalked towards the Hobbiraptors.  
  
Stan mustered up enough courage to yell: "Back you devils." And then, ran away into a corner, curling himself into a tight ball.  
  
As the Nasties approached, Dork and Peepin felt their courage fade into absolute fear.  
  
As one of the Nasties made a swipe at them, they dodged out of the way, and said, "Fiona's the one you want." while pointing right at her.  
  
One leader of the group approached Fiona, his sword drawn.  
  
Fiona dropped her sword and started to run. She took out the Embryo, and crawled away until she was up against the wall.  
  
The Nasty raised his sword and aimed it at her heart. She activated the Embryo and disappeared.  
  
In the Egg-World, she saw the Nasties as they really are, a bunch of dunder-headed clones.  
  
The leader reached for the Embryo, but Fiona pulled it away.  
  
The Nasty, angered by her defiance (they weren't used to being defied), stabbed her in the shoulder.  
  
She cried out in pain.  
  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Stinker jumped into the fight (if you can call it that), and began fighting the Nasties.  
  
"Mrs. Fiona!" Stan-Dumb called to his employer, and ran over to her.  
  
"Oh, Stan." She said.  
  
Stinker fought off the Nasties with relative ease.  
  
"Stinker." Dork called.  
  
Stinker came to where Fiona laid on the ground.  
  
"Help her, Stinker." Stan pleaded.  
  
"She's been stabbed with by a Malcom-blade." Stinker told them, "This is beyond my skill to heel, she needs Grant-Medicine, fast!"  
  
He scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the safety of the wood.  
  
"Goondolt!" Fiona called out.  
  
"I have some of my own problems, you fool of a Bagginse!" Goondolt called back from his perch on the roof of Sorehead's tower.  
  
Meanwhile, down in the pits of Isengoat. Sorehead watched progress of his horrifying creations: The Critics!  
  
The first one was about hatch from its cocoon. The Computer-Geeks assisted it. When it did, they surprise with the sight of the most ugly creature they had ever seen: Roger Ebert!  
  
He grabbed the necks of one of the nearby 'Geeks, and killed him.  
  
Back on the top of the tower, Goondolt had captured the weirdest- looking moth ever, and gave him instructions to go find a great big bird, one of the things moths usually avoid, and set it free.  
  
Fiona gasped as the wound getting worst.  
  
"Mrs. Fiona?" Stan asked, he put his hand on her forehead, "She's going cold!"  
  
"Is she going to die?" Peepin asked, almost in tears.  
  
"She is passing into the Chaos-World, she will soon be a Chaostician, wearing punk-clothes, and start talking like Jeff Goldblum." Stinker replied.  
  
Suddenly, lightning strikes and the whole audience gasps.  
  
"There is only one way to slow the infection, "Queen-soil", the pipeweed." Stinker added.  
  
Stinker and Stan-Dumb begin their search for the weed. Stinker was the first one to find it. He stooped over it, and began to cut some off.  
  
Someone came up behind him and held a sword to his throat.  
  
"Hey! What's this, uh-huh. A ranger-guy caught by surprise, thank you, thank you very much, uh-huh!"  
  
Fiona was passing out again when she saw a glimmering light. It was a woman, dressed as Elvis, riding a horse.  
  
"Fiona." She called, "I'm here to help, ya! Uh-huh! You can thank me, thank me very much later, uh-huh! Now listen, I'm just a poor, little Hawaiian gal, uh-huh! Now, listen, and follow the stagelights! Uh-huh!"  
  
Fiona passed out again. This was too much to take, first pain, than an Elvish, Elvis impersonator.  
  
"She will not last if we don't get her to your Father, Arnyn Morningstar." Stinker said, coming to beside her.  
  
"Then, we better be movin', uh-huh." Arnyn replied.  
  
"Can you just talk like a normal person, just for once?" Stinker asked.  
  
"No can do, Stinky, I have rhythm, and I gotta keep it. Yes!" Arnyn answered.  
  
Stinker knew she was a hopeless case. He carried Fiona over to the horse Arnyn had brought along. He began to get on after having safely secured Fiona on the saddle.  
  
"Hey! I'm a fasta rider than, sweetcheeks." Arnyn said, "I can get 'er to RiverDale faster that you can."  
  
"No. The road is too dangerous. You stay here with the Hobbiraptors. I need a break from them." Stinker said.  
  
"Uh-uh. You ain't leavin' me to babysit some little Hoboraptors, I've got some Elvis impersonatin' to do, uh-huh!" she replied.  
  
"Okay, okay." Stinker said.  
  
With that, Arnyn jumped on the horse, and road off into the night.  
  
"What are you doing, those Wrathses are there?" Stan-Dumb shouted.  
  
By morning, Arnyn and Fiona were halfway to RiverDale. They were currently going through a clump of trees. Arnyn looked to the left, then to the right. There were Genetic-Wraths on both sides.  
  
When they were past the tree line, she could see that all of them were chasing her.  
  
They were reaching for Fiona, but Arnyn prodded the horse to go faster. Soon, they were at the ford of RiverDale. There, Arnyn pulled out her sword and faced the Nasties.  
  
"Give up the Halfraptorling. She-Elvis Impersonator." The Lead Wrath stated.  
  
"If you want 'er, come on. Uh-huh!" she declared.  
  
The nine Nasties pulled out there and said: "All for one, and none for all!"  
  
They began to cross the ford. Arnyn began chanting in Jibberish, and a tidal wave washed the Nasties away.  
  
"Uh-huh. That'll teach them!" Arnyn said, happily.  
  
Just then, Fiona passed out, AGAIN.  
  
TO BE CONTINUES.RUN AWAY!!!! ITS NOT SAFE! 


	7. The Council of Expedition

Chapter Six  
  
The Council of Exposition  
  
"Where am I?" Fiona asked, when she regained consciousness.  
  
"You are in the House of Mr. Weatherbee, and it is 12:00 P.M., in the afternoon, for the very few who care. Thankfully, you were brought in when you were, a few more hours, and you would have been beyond our aid, but you had some strength in you. My dear Hobbiraptor." A very familiar voice said.  
  
This brought Fiona to whole consciousness, rolled over to look at Goondolt, who sitting in a chair, smoking his crack, as usual.  
  
"This is hospital bed, isn't it?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Why, yes, it is. Why?" Goondolt replied.  
  
"You're smoking next to a hospital-bed. What is wrong with you?" Fiona asked.  
  
"How about this, I'm a Istari and I can do whatever I want!" Goondolt retorted.  
  
"Why didn't you meet us?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Oh, I am sorry Fiona, I was relayed." Goondolt said, "Sorehead, the wizard who was the head of the order of wizards, has betrayed us. He grounded me, and made me think about my options on the roof of his tower.  
  
"Thankfully, I was able to contact Bigbird and he was able to come rescue me."  
  
"Mrs. Fiona!" Stan cried as he reentered the room, "Bless you, you're awake!"  
  
He ran over to Fiona and grabbed her hand.  
  
"Stan had hardly left your side." Goondolt said, smiling warmly.  
  
"We were worries about you." Stan added, "Weren't Mrs.er, Mr. Goondolt."  
  
"Yes, and thanks to the skills of Principle Weatherbee, you're beginning to mend." Goondolt said, turning to a fat, bald man in a blue business suit, who had just entered the room.  
  
"Welcome to RiverDale, Mistress Bagginse." Mr. Weatherbee said to her, beaming.  
  
Fiona was feeling better a few hours later and decided to have a little walk. She looked from the balcony of her saw RiverDale, the hidden city of the Elves.  
  
She and Stan were walking along one of its streets, when they were reunited with Dork and Peepin. They embraced each other.  
  
"Look was else is here." Stan said, pointing.  
  
Fiona looked in the direction he was pointing and saw someone that she never thought she'd see again.  
  
"Aunt Red!" she cried, as she ran up to her beloved, and weird aunt.  
  
"Fiona, my lass." Raptor Red replied, getting up to greet her beloved, and kinda-dumb niece.  
  
"What have been doing lately?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Well, I finished my book: "Going All the Way, Regretting It, A Hobbiraptor's Tale".  
  
"Mistress Fiona." A voice from behind called.  
  
"Yeah." Fiona said, turning to face whoever it was.  
  
"I am Glorhindle. The Council of Exposition awaits you." He declared.  
  
Later, at the council:  
  
"Is everyone seated?" Mr. Weatherbee asked.  
  
"Yes." Everyone answered, for the hundredth time.  
  
"Good. Ehem. Strangers from distant lands, and some people I sort of know. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Biosyn. Fanfiction-Earth stands upon the brink of being rewritten, none can escape it. You will unite, or you will fold. Each fiction is bound to this fate, this one doom. Fiona, bring fourth the Embryo, please." Mr. Weatherbee said, pointing to the table at the center of the meeting place.  
  
Fiona walked to the table and put the Embryo on it. Then, returned to her spot, next to Goondolt.  
  
"So, it is true." Boredom said, "Oh, it is a gift."  
  
"It is a gift, to the business-rivals of Biosyn, why not use this Embryo?" Boredom asked, standing up, "Long has my deranged father, the Stewart of Condor, kept the forces of Biosyn at bay. By the sweat of our people, are you companies kept from hostile-takeover. Give Condor the ultimate merchandise. Let's use it against him."  
  
"You cannot produce it, none of can." Stinker said, "The One Embryo answers to Dodgeson alone, the copyrights belong to none-other."  
  
"And what, would you know of this matter?' Boredom asked.  
  
Leggy Brownleaf, stood up and answered that question: "But, this is no mere ranger, he is Arrogant, Son of Self-Assured, of the Foxworthy family. You own him your loyalty."  
  
Boredon looked at Arrogant in new way.  
  
"Arrogant?" he said, "This is Isisdor's heir?"  
  
"Heir to the throne of Condor." Leggy put in.  
  
"Blah, blah, blah (Sit down), Leggy." Arrogant said.  
  
"Condor has no king, Condor needs no king." Boredom said, going back to his seat. He glared at Arrogant.  
  
"Arrogant is right, we cannot use it." Goondolt said.  
  
"You have only one choice, the Embryo must be broiled." Mr. Weatherbee added.  
  
"Then, what we waiting for?" Grisly the dwarf, asked. He grabbed his ax, and raised it high in the air, and brought it down on the Embryo. The ax shattered, and Grisly was knocked back.  
  
"The One cannot be destroyed by any craft that we, here, possess, Grisly, Son of Grimly." Mr. Weather said, "It was made in the fires of Mount Obscure-actor, only their can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Biosyn, and cast back into the stove from whence it came. One of you must do it."  
  
The council sat in silence for a long moment.  
  
"One does not simply walk into Biosyn." Boredom said, "Its electrified fences are guarded by much more than just security cameras, there is evil there that does not need to recharge, and the great nose, is ever-sniffing. It is a baron wasteland, riddled with beer, cigarettes, and steroids. The very air you breathe is a toxic fume. Not with 1,000,000 warriors could you do this, it is folly."  
  
"Have you heard nothing Lord Weatherbee has said? The Embryo must be boiled." Leggy shouted.  
  
"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?" Grisly said.  
  
"Yes, but what if we fail? What happens when Dodgeson takes back what is his?" Boredom asked.  
  
"I will be dead before I see the Embryo in the hands of an Elf!" Grisly declared.  
  
Next thing you know: Dante's Peak. The council went into the typical, "Its by your doing that the Silmarils were lost", argument.  
  
Fiona sat there watching the Embryo work its evil magic on the council. Until, she could take no more of it.  
  
"I will take it." She declared, walking towards the Embryo, "I will take it."  
  
This time she caught attention of the council.  
  
"I will take the Embryo to Biosyn. Although, I do not know where it is." She added.  
  
"I will help boil it, Fiona Bagginse. As long as it your's to boil." Goondolt said.  
  
Arrogant stood up and announced, "If by my life or death (preferably life), can I support you, I will."  
  
He walked up to Fiona and kneeled in front of her to see eye to eye, then added: "You have my sword."  
  
"And you have my bow." Leggy announced.  
  
"And my ax." Grisly added.  
  
Leggy and Grisly stood as far from each other as possible.  
  
"You carry the fate of us all, little you." Boredom said, "If this is indeed the fool of the council, then Condor will see it done."  
  
"Here!" a voice called, Stan's.  
  
He came running out stood by Fiona's side, "Fiona isn't going anywhere without me."  
  
"Nor does it seem possible to separate you two, even when she is summoned to a secret council and you can't behave yourself." Mr. Weatherbee said.  
  
Dork and Peepin saw there chance, "Hey! We're coming too. You'll have to send us home in cages to stop us." Dork announced.  
  
"And anyway, you'll need people of intelligence on this quest." Peepin put in.  
  
"And where do you fit in to that destription?" Dork asked.  
  
"Nine stereo-typical heroes." Mr. Weatherbee said, "Very well, you are 'The Fellowship of Fools'."  
  
"Right." Peepin said, "So, when do we eat?"  
  
To Be Continued. 


	8. Of AntiDramtic Death Vests and KIng Kala...

Chapter Seven  
  
Of Anti-Dramatic Vsts Suits and King Kalamari  
  
"Now, my lass." Raptor Red told her niece, "I have some things you'll need."  
  
Raptor Red went about opening a very old chest and revealed its contents: a silver-vest and a sword.  
  
"You see this?" she asked, pulling the chest out, "This is an official "Anti-Dramatic Death Vest, a light as a feather, and as hard as dragon-scales."  
  
"Wow!" Fiona exclaimed.  
  
"But, wait, theirs' more!" Raptor Red continued, "If you take the offer now, you also get this great "Luke Skywalker signed glow-sword that glows blue when fangirls are close, and its times like that Fiona, where you have to be extra careful."  
  
"Oh!" Fiona said.  
  
"Only for the price of one Embryo!"  
  
"Sure.what?! 'At the price of one Embryo'!" Fiona cried.  
  
"Sure. Why?" Raptor Red asked.  
  
"No way am I giving the Embryo to anyone." Fiona replied.  
  
"Give me my precious, my Pretty!" Raptor Red shouted, lunging at Fiona.  
  
Fiona dodged out of the way.  
  
Suddenly, the local mental doctors knocked down the door.  
  
"Can't you people just open the door by turning the knob just once?" Raptor Red asked, exasperated.  
  
"No. We love to break things." They replied, "And you forgot to take your medication. You'll need it before you go around trying to exchange something to get the Embryo."  
  
"NO! You'll never catch me!" Raptor Red said, grabbing a broomstick and jumping out the window.  
  
It didn't work, and she fell into the ravine below.  
  
"AAAAUGH! WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD! WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT!" she screamed as she fell.  
  
"Come on guys, she's done it again." The head mental doctor told the others, "Maybe we can get to her before the current carries her into back to Slobbiton this time."  
  
"That was weird." Fiona said.  
  
Later, at the rear entrance of RiverDale, The Fellowship of Fools listened to Mr. Weatherbee bid them fairwell.  
  
"The Embryo-bearer is setting out of her quest to Mount-Obscure actor. Know this, no oath or contract is laid on you to go further than you will, so if you get bored of the quest, you can just abandon your comrades." Mr. Weatherbee explained.  
  
"The Fools await the Embryo-bearer." Goondolt said.  
  
Fiona turned around looked at these cliqued characters she would be traveling with one more time before starting out. They followed her lead as she walked out of RiverDale.  
  
"Goondolt, which way is Biosyn, up, down, left, right, North, West, East, South, staight-ahead, or tipsy-turvy?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Um.what was the question? You asked too many directions." Goondolt replied.  
  
"Oh, for the love of Pete! Which way do we go from here?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Left."  
  
"Thank you." Fiona asked, annoyed.  
  
She led the rest of the Fools left.  
  
"We must hold to this course for a hundred days and one hundred one nights. From there, our course turns, east, to Biosyn." Goondolt announced to the others.  
  
They, later, found a nice spot on the hard rocks, up in the mountains.  
  
Boredom decided to teach the Hobbiraptors how to use swords. Grisly had an idea. Leggy just stood there in his normal, passive manner.  
  
"If somebody was asking for my opinion, which I know your not. I would say we were taking the long around. Goondolt, we could go to the Mimes of Moria. Marcel Marco would give us a silent, but royal welcome." He said, confidently.  
  
"No, Grisly, I would not take the roads, through Moria unless I had no other choice." Goondolt replied.  
  
"Ow!" Peepin cried out, "You hit me!"  
  
"Well, you stabbed me!" Dork shouted in reply.  
  
"Yeah, well.you're a dodohead!" Peepin replied.  
  
"I'm a dodohead? Your're the dodohead!" Dork retorted.  
  
"Well, you're a stupidhead." Peppin said.  
  
"No, that's just Stan." Dork replied.  
  
"Well, I guess that's true, but.you're a dodhead!" Peepin stuttered.  
  
"Oh, man, don't start all over from the beginning." Dork said.  
  
"All right, Dork, Peepin, that's enough!" Arrogant told them.  
  
"What's that?" Stan asked, looking over the hill.  
  
"It's a squirrel of Isengoat!" Goondolt cried out in alarm, "Hide!"  
  
Everyone rushed to get their stuff and themselves hidden from the squirrel before it noticed them.  
  
It ran by the place they were hiding, and then turned around and ran back in the direction it came.  
  
The Fools came out from their hiding places.  
  
"A spy of Sorehead, the passage South is being watched." Goondolt announced, coming out from behind a big rock, "We must take the Pass of Madness!"  
  
They were pretty soon well on their way on up to the Pass.  
  
Fiona was having trouble getting up the steep slopes of the mountain, and finally slipped and rolled down it.  
  
"Fiona!" Arrogant called as he ran up to stop her descent. He caught her and she noticed right away, that she had dropped the Embryo.  
  
She looked up the slope just in time to see Boredom pick it up.  
  
"Boredom." Arrogant said.  
  
"It is a strange hate, that we should all suffer being parodies so much, over such a little thing." Boredom said, seemingly hypnotized by the Embryo, "Over, such a little thing."  
  
"Boredom!" Arrogant yelled, this time, getting his attention, "Give the Embryo to Fiona."  
  
Boredom hesitated, but walked down the slope, and gave it up.  
  
"As you wish, I don't care." Boredom said, then noticing Arrogant had his hand on his swordhilt.  
  
To prove he did not care, he gave Fiona a Dutch-rub.  
  
Meanwhile, the squirrel returned to Isengoat to report to Sorehead.  
  
"Squeak, squeak, squeakin'." It told Sorehead.  
  
"So, Gooldolt, you try to lead them over Madness, and if that fails, where then will you go?" Sorehead asked, "Would you take a more dangerous road?"  
  
The Fools noticed right away that the weather-conditions were becoming nasty.  
  
"Stupid Elf." Arrogant said, "Since you can walk on the snow, why don't you help out and carry one of the Hoobiraptors?"  
  
"What? And get my hands dirty?" Leggy replied, "You're out of your mind."  
  
"Prissy Elf." Arrogant muttered.  
  
Leggy stopped and listened, "There is a fell voice in the air." He exclaimed.  
  
"It's Sorehead!" Goondolt the Pink declared.  
  
Some rocks and snow were knocked down from above and barely missed the Fools.  
  
"He's trying to bring down the mountain! Goondolt, we must turn back before my hair is ruined!" Leggy shouted.  
  
"Pansy Elf." Grisly and Arrogant both muttered.  
  
"NO!" Goondolt replied, and stepped forward for dramatic effect.  
  
"Blah, blah, blah! Blahblahblah!!!" He shouted, defying Sorehead for second time, doesn't this guy ever learn?  
  
"Blah!" Sorehead replied, and caused the whole bunch of stuff to fall on the Fools.  
  
They punched their way to the surface and were still chest-deep in snow.  
  
" 'We must go back', I said. 'No', they said. Nobody listens to the Elf!" Leggy said, frustrated.  
  
"Stop up!" Arrogant and Grisly yelled.  
  
"We must get off the moutain, make for the 'Gap of Equestrians', and take the shores of some word the audience can't understand!"  
  
"The Gap of Equestrians will take us too close to Isengoat!" Arrogant replied.  
  
"We cannot go over the mountain!" Grisly cut in, "We must go under it. We must to the Mimes of Moria!"  
  
"Moria." Sorehead said, "You fear to go into that place, the Mimes dug too greedily, and too deep. You know what they aroused in the darkness of Constant Gloom, Goondolt. Shadow, and Stench.  
  
"Let the Embryo-bearer decide." Goondolt said to the others.  
  
Fiona looked around to see the expectant eyes of the Fools.  
  
"We will go to the Mimes." She declared.  
  
"So be it." Goondolt said.  
  
"The walls of Moria!" Grisly exclaimed when they had reached them.  
  
"If you spend time looking at and admiring walls," Dork said, "You're more of a dork than I am."  
  
"Silence, ignorant one!" Grisly said, "No one calls a dwarf a dork!"  
  
There was a foul pond their, and the Fools were careful not to touch it. All except for Peepin, anyway.  
  
"Where is the entrance?" Stan asked.  
  
"Right in between these trees." Goondolt answered, pointing at two trees that were positioned just right for being on both sides of a door.  
  
"That's solid rock, Goondolt." Stan corrected him, "Maybe you need your eyes checked."  
  
"Silence, you fool of a O' Gee." Goondolt said, "It only reflexs starlight and moonlight."  
  
Just then, the clouds quite conveniently parted to allow the moon to shine on the doors.  
  
There was writing on the doors. Obviously written in the language of Jibberish.  
  
"The doors of Gomer, lord of Moria. Speak Idiots, and enter." Goondolt translated.  
  
"Okay. Stan. Peepin. Come here." Goondolt ordered, "I will tell you the password as soon as I can think of it, and I'll have you two say it to the doors."  
  
"Why would Jim Morrison and his band want to know the password?" Peepin asked.  
  
"You took of a Fool." Goondolt said, "I meant these doors!"  
  
"You mean, 'Fool of a Took', right?" Fiona asked.  
  
"NO! Peepin's last name is Fool, so I have to say 'Took of a Fool." Goondolt replied.  
  
"Why don't you say 'Fool of a Fool'?"  
  
"Because that would redundant." Goomdolt answered.  
  
"Well, 'took of a Fool' is just as redundant." Fiona responded.  
  
"You fool of a Bagginse, don't question a wizard that is in stressful situation! Didn't your aunt teach you anything other than how to speak Quenya?" Goondolt asked, frustrated.  
  
"Yes, why?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Oh, never mind." Goondolt replied, and turned back to the task at hand.  
  
"Now, Stan, I want you to say.Stan?" Goondolt said, turning to where Stan had been starting a minute ago.  
  
Peepin and Stan were laying against the doors, asleep.  
  
"Wake up, you amllnos!" Goondolt shouted at the two sleeping Hobbiraptors.  
  
The doors suddenly opened.  
  
"Oh, that's how we get in." Goondolt explained, "I said idiot in Elvish and it opened."  
  
(I couldn't find my copy of RotK, so I made a word up by mixing up the letters in "Mallon".)  
  
"Well, in we go!" Grisly exclaimed.  
  
"Wait!" the author, Drew L. yelled, "You forgot to throw a rock into the pond."  
  
"Why would we want to do something stupid like that?" Goondolt asked.  
  
"Because I wrote it that way."  
  
"Oh, fiddlesticks!"  
  
"Okay, I'll just get this over with." Goondolt said, lifting a boulder with his magic, and cast it into the foul pond.  
  
"There! I awakened the King Kalamari. Are you happy.Drew L.?" Goondolt said.  
  
By this time, Drew L. had run far away from the pond.  
  
"Well, into the mountain we go." Arrogant said.  
  
They entered the main chamber.  
  
"Now, master Elf, you will see the fabled hospitality of the Mimes." Grisly declared, excitedly, "Spakespeare performed all in Mime, people behind invisible walls, and all the pale, strange faces a child would run in terror from!"  
  
"Some one, please kill the dwarf." Leggy said.  
  
They looked around a bit.  
  
"This is no underground civilization, it's a mime's nightmare!" Boredom exclaimed.  
  
All around them were the bodies of dead mimes.  
  
"No, no, no. NNNOOO!!!!" Grisly cried upon seeing this, and cried.  
  
Leggy pulled an arrow out of one of the mimes, and recognized the art of who made it.  
  
"Fangirls!" he declared.  
  
They all pulled out their weapons.  
  
"We make for the Gap of Equestrians." Boredom said, "We should never have come here. NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT!"  
  
The Hobbiraptors backed out of the cave in terror. Suddenly, Fiona was pulled down by something. Dork, Peepin, and Stan grabbed her and tried to help her.  
  
"Stinker!" Stan called to Arrogant.  
  
"Get off her!" Stan said, slicing at the tentacle that was holding Fiona.  
  
"OW! Stan, you're also cutting my leg!" Fiona cried.  
  
"The tentacle retreated back into the pond. Then, a whole mess of tentacles came out and punched the Hobbiraptors.  
  
"OW!" Stan cried, "Oh, you want a piece of me? Come on." Stan yelled, raising his arms like a boxer.  
  
Stan and the tentacle circled eachother.  
  
"Okay." Goondolt said, suddenly wearing a ref's outfit, "I want a clean, no hitting below the waste, like this!" Goondolt demonstrated by hitting Stan where the sun doesn't shine.  
  
"OW! You fool of a wizard!" Stan hissed under all the pain.  
  
"Okay, let's get underway." Goondolt said, giving the signal for the fight to begin.  
  
The tentacle punched at Stan, but he ducked and hit it hard. It recoiled and hit him harder.  
  
"Whom are you betting on?" Peepin asked, while eating his popcorn.  
  
"Where'd you get popcorn?" Dork asked.  
  
"Oh, the author was kind enough to have me suddenly holding it." Peepin replied.  
  
"No fair! Peepin gets popcorn and we don't!" Dork said.  
  
"Sh! Stan's beating it." Boredom said.  
  
Stan hit the tentacle again, and again.  
  
"Ding." The bell went.  
  
"Okay, Stan wins, tentacle loses. We go into the mountain." Goonsolt declared.  
  
They picked their gear back up and headed on inside.  
  
Fiona noticed that Goondolt was wearing his typical wizard's clothes again.  
  
"How did you change clothes so fast?" she asked him.  
  
"I am a wizard." Goomdolt answered. 


	9. To Marcel Marc's Tomb and the bridge of ...

Chapter Eight  
  
Marcel Marco's Tomb and the Bridge of Constant Gloom  
  
"We must now face the long dark of Moria." Goondolt told the Fools, "Be on your guard, it is a week long journey to the other side, and it may be hard to imagine, but there are older, fouler things than fangirls, in the deep places of the world. Let us hope that our presence will go unnoticed."  
  
"At least I don't have to worry about fangirls." Fiona said, confidently.  
  
"Don't sound so confident, they take no female prisoners. Just pretty boys like Arrogant and Leggy." Grisly replied.  
  
"Yes, that's why I'm not worried." Fiona said.  
  
"They will kill anyone who is not handsome to them." The dwarf finished, "I know the type. I have fought in wars against them. Poor Calin, he was ugly, but that was merciful compared to what happened to Howard Handsome."  
  
"Okay, now I'm worried." Fiona said, worriedly.  
A new fear embodies itself in the Fellowship as they continued on their journey.  
  
The caverns of Moria seemed to go on and on. Just like the movie, 'Titanic'. Even with Goondolt's glowing staff, they could see no end to it all.  
  
"Did I mention to anyone that I am very clostri, or chlustri.afraid of enclosed spaces?" Peepin asked.  
  
"Oh, great." Arrogant muttered.  
  
"I mean, I'm not too nervous or anything, butt.oh, what the heck! HELP! The walls are closing in on me! Aaaaaugh!" Peepin screamed.  
  
Four hours later, they managed to calm him down.  
  
"Oh, sorry guys. It seemed that those darned walls were closing in on me." Paapin said.  
  
"Yes, you couldn't have made it anymore obvious with your girly shrieking." Dork said.  
  
"I don't shriek like a girl." Peepin said.  
  
"Want a bet?" Dork asked.  
  
They set off again and continued wondering the dark halls, long and hard. Through the caverns, the tunnel led to a staircase that seemed to go on forever. Until, it came to an intersection with three different tunnels. Two of which lead right into the clutches of rabid fangirls, only one lead to safety.  
  
Goondolt looked around and still had no idea of which was way they should choose.  
  
"I have no memory of this place." Goondolt said the others.  
  
Hours later, Goondolt still sat there thinking.  
  
"Dork, I think I'm about to have another episode." Peepin told his friend.  
  
"Shut up." Dork replied, knocking Peepin out.  
  
Fiona sat there, thinking about they would escape if any fangirls caught them. And also pondered what Grisly meant when he death was merciful to anyone who was caught by a fangirl.  
  
She happened to be looking back, saw little creature that resembles something you might have a hard time passing something through your system.  
  
She ran up to Goondolt.  
  
"There's something down there." She told him.  
  
"It is Gallstone." Goondolt replied, "I considered doing the sensibly thing of telling the rest of your that we were being followed by an enemy, but then thought, 'what the heck'."  
  
"Gallstone, he escaped the dungeons of Badguy?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Escaped?" Goondolt asked, "He was tagged and set loose in his natural environment."  
  
"The life of Slimey is a tragic tale." Goondolt told Fiona, "Yes, Slimey, he was once called, before the Embryo found him, before it dove off the deep end. And now he hates and loves the Embryo, as he is addicted to himself. He will never be rid of his need for it."  
  
"It's a pity Aunt Red didn't snuff him when she had the chance." Fiona said.  
  
"Pity? Now, let me explain the obvious facts of life, Fiona." Goondolt said, "Many that get off live (like say, O.J. Simpson) don't deserve to. And that die (like say, James Dean) deserve life. Can you give it to them, Fiona?"  
  
A look of realization crossed Fiona's face.  
  
"Do not be so eager to deal out death and stupid juries. My script tells me that Gallstone has some part to play, yet. The pity of Raptor Red may rule the fate of many, most notably, right the last minute of this thousand page saga."  
  
Fiona sat down, and said, "I wish the Embryo had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."  
  
"So do all who live in fantasy sagas that have been written since "The Lord of the Rings", and are filled with suspiciously, Sauron-like villains, but that is not for them to decide." Goondolt replied, "All we have to do is decide what to do with the time the author gives us."  
  
Fiona listened intently to these wise words.  
  
"There are other forces at work in this tale, besides the will of evil, there not easy to in this one, but they're there. Raptor Red was meant to find the Embryo, in which case you also were meant to have it, and that is an encouraging thought to everyone except you."  
  
Suddenly, Goondolt smelled something familiar.  
  
"Oh, its that way."  
  
"He's remembered." Dork said.  
  
"No, but I can smell the cooking of a restaurant located just at the rear exit of the mountain. When in doubt, Dorkeodoc, always follow your nase." Goondolt replied.  
  
Goondolt led them down the tunnel where the welcoming scent was coming from.  
  
When they reached the end of the tunnel, they found themselves in a gigantic cavern.  
  
"Let me risk a little more light." Goondolt said aloud.  
  
The staff shined brighter and some of the cavern was revealed.  
  
"Behold! The great realm of the Mime city of Silencolot." Gondolt announced to the Fools.  
  
They continued on their way, following the smell of fastfood.  
  
As they walked on, Grisly noticed a chamber that was off to the side. As he got closer to it, the purpose of the chamber became clear. It was a tomb.  
  
"Ah!" Grisly cried out as solfly as can be expected of a dwarf, and ran in the direction of it.  
  
"Grisly!" Goondolt called after him.  
  
Grisly payed no heed as he ran to the chamber. He entered the tomb and saw the inscription on the casket.  
  
"No. No." he said, grief stricken.  
  
The other Fools entered.  
  
Goondolt looked at what the inscription said.  
  
"Here lies Marcel Marco, Lord of the Mimes." Goondolt read aloud.  
  
"He is dead, just as I feared." Goondolt added.  
  
"Um, what is Grisly doing?" Peepin asked.  
  
"I'm miming a funeral prayer, its what he would've wanted." Grisly answered.  
  
Goondolt reached for a book that was conveniently placed in the hands of a mime-corpse that propped against the casket.  
  
"Oh, sick!" Dork said, "You're actually going to touch something a rotting corpse has been crutching?"  
  
"Yes, and I do have to thank for making me look at what I'm about to do in a new light where my gag-reflex is put into use." Goondolt replied.  
  
Goondolt picked up the book after putting on some rubber-gloves, and started to read it aloud:  
  
"We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. They have taken the bridge, and the second hall. Giggles, giggles in the deep. We cannot get out. The shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. They are coming!"  
  
Just then, Peepin wondered up to a dead guy that was barely balanced on the edge of a well. He had an arrow sticking out of him, it had the words, "Don't turn me!" on it.  
  
Peepin turned the arrow.  
  
"Crash!" the dead-body went as it fell to the bottem of the lake.  
  
The others whirled around in surprise.  
  
The crashing continued.  
  
"Took o a Fool!" Goondolt said, sternly, "Next time, throw yourself in, and rid of your stupidity."  
  
He snatched his hat and staff away from Peepin.  
  
"Hee, hee, hee!" a giggle was heard in the deepness of the well.  
  
The giggles became louder, and louder, and nearer.  
  
"They are coming!" Goondolt said, anxiety heard in his voice.  
  
"Fiona!" Stan said, "our sword."  
  
Fiona pulled her sword out of its scabbard just enough to see the blade. It was glowing blue, which meant the fangirls were close!  
  
Boredom ran up to the door to see if they were coming yet. Two arrows with love letters on them hit the door right next to Boredom's face.  
  
"Get back!" Arrogant shouted, "And stay close to Goondolt!"  
  
The two men pulled the doors shut.  
  
"They have Shrek with them!" Boredom shouted to the others.  
  
Leggy tossed Boredom and Arrogant some axes to bar the door with.  
  
Everyone got back from the door and took out their weapons. Leggy and Arrogant aimed their arrows at the door.  
  
Grisly jumped up on the tomb and shouted: "Let them come! I am one dwarf they'll never take alive!"  
  
The fangirls crowded at the door, their squeals could be heard from other side. They managed to make a hole in the door: big mistake.  
  
One fan girl looked in through the hole to see who was in there. When she saw her favorite characters, she squealed: "Oh, my gosh, Leggy, Arrogant, Boredom, Peepin, and Dork are in there!"  
  
The other girls joined in the cheering and with renewed determination, started pushing on the door.  
  
Leggy took a shot at the door.  
  
"Hey! No fair, they have arrow-thingies, too!" a voice said from the other side of the door.  
  
The door finally give in and opened.  
  
The fangirls paused a moment to get a good look at their heroes, then put their hands to their cheeks and squealed in delight, and charged forward.  
  
Arrogant and Leggy were able to kill four before they even got to them. The fangirls weren't disheartened by this and kept coming. Sword and shield met lip and hairdryer.  
  
Fiona, Stan, Dork, and Peepin charged forward with Goondolt.  
  
(Now, when I wrote sword and shield met lib and hairdryer, I didn't mean the Arrogant, Leggy, Boredom, and Grisly were hacking the fangirls to pieces, they were just hitting them with the flat of their weapons just to knock them out. Fangirls are, after all, just teenage girls with mothers that would become the real threat if their daughters were killed.)  
  
Arrogant hit another with the flat of his blade, then another, then another.  
  
"Back, vile libs!" Boredom cried as he knocked another fangirl back with his shield.  
  
Arrogant paused upon a loud, pounding sound.  
  
Shrek came in following a fangirl.  
  
"Now, what's this you're telling me about mean boys that hit girls?" he asked the one that led him in.  
  
'Them." The fangirl said, pointing to the Fellow.  
  
Shrek looked over just as Arrogant hit another.  
  
"Now that's not very nice. Nobody hits a girl in my caverns." Shrek said, stepping toward Arrogant.  
  
"You mean, 'our caverns'." A voice yelled from outside.  
  
"Go away, Donkey. I have some butt to kick." Shrek called back.  
  
With that, Shrek started towards the heroes. Leggy shot an arrow at him.  
  
"OW!" Shrek yelped, "Okay, you asked for it, Elf boy!"  
  
Shrek lunged towards Leggy, and was totally oblivious to the fact that Stan had to duck under him in order to being stepped on.  
  
Grisly tossed one of his throwing axes at Shrek, and hit him.  
  
"OW! Okay, you just invited me to take out a can of whoop-ass, pal!" Shrek shouted.  
  
Shrek aimed a blow at Grisly, but the dwarf was more quick that he had imagined. So, instead of hitting Grisly, he just simply destroyed the casket.  
  
"Wow, wee!" Shrek said, "The stench of the dead guy who was in there is enough to kill an Ogre!"  
  
"We haven't noticed!" everyone replied, still fighting, but now with one hand on their noses.  
  
Leggy fired another arrow at Shrek.  
  
"OW! Why am I always getting hit with, even ones that aren't aimed at me!"  
  
"Because, you're a big target." Leggy answered.  
  
"Why you little." Shrek yelled in anger as he pursued Leggy into a corner.  
  
"I have you now!" Shrek said, lunging at Leggy.  
  
"Leggy jumped out of the way, just the last moment. This caused Shrek to fly right into a wall and it knocked him out, momentarily.  
  
"Shrek's down gals, this isn't looking too god for us." A fangirl said.  
  
"Uh." Shrek moaned as he picked himself up.  
  
Fiona, Peepin, and Dork were hiding behind the pillars and were going from pillar to pillar. Shrek's hand happened to be coming down right in front of the pillar they were trying to get to. Fiona ducked and managed to get behind it. Whereas Dork and Peepin had to retreat back to the one they previously were hiding behind.  
  
"Hey! There's somebody behind here." Shrek said aloud and looked around to the other side of the one Fiona was behind. She ran around the corner so he couldn't see her.  
  
"Oh, come on, I'm not going to hurt you." He said. He knew someone was back there.  
  
He went around and looked at the other side, and Fiona ran around the corner where he couldn't see her, again.  
  
Shrek seemingly left, and Fiona returned to her. She breathed sigh of relief. Suddenly, he quickly peeked around the corner and saw her.  
  
"Ah, ha. I knew someone was back!" he said, "Who are you?"  
  
"Arrogant!" she cried for help as she attempted to ran past him.  
  
"Wait a tick." He said, blocking her path with his hand.  
  
She stabbed at it, and he with drew his hand.  
  
"Arrogant? That's weird name for a girl to have." He said.  
  
"Ya!" Arrongant cried as he lunged at Shrek with a long spear that we haven't seen before.  
  
Shrek spun around just in to get a spear in his gut.  
  
"OW!" he said, batting Arrogant away. He knocked Arrogant into the wall, knocking him out, "That hurt!"  
  
Fiona ran to Arrogant's side, and tried to awaken him, but he was unreachable at the moment.  
  
"Now, what's the meaning of all this?" Shrek asked, coming up behind Fiona, "What are doing in my caves?"  
  
"Our caves!" Donkey corrected.  
  
"Right, our caves." Shrek replied, rolling his eyes.  
  
She stabbed his hand and tried to past him again.  
  
He tripped and the blade of the came down on Fiona.  
  
She gasped dramatically before passing out.  
  
"OOP!" Shrek asaid.  
  
Dork and Peepin, enraged by seeing Fiona stabbed to seemingly death, jumped on Shrek's back, and began stabbing him.  
  
"Hey! OW! OW!" he yelled at them, "Back off of my back! OW!"  
  
Someone else attacked him from behind. He turned to see a wizard and a dwarf, stabbing at him.  
  
"Now, stop that!" he said, batting them away, "That's not very nice."  
  
Leggy aimed his arrow at Shrek.  
  
"Wait!" Arrogant called, "You can't kill Shrek."  
  
"Why out." Leggy asked.  
  
"Because, if we do, our author, Drew L., will get flames!" Arrogant answered.  
  
"By Joe! You're right!" Leggy replied. He took out at sleeping-potion tipped arrow, "There, will this make reviews happy?"  
  
"Whatever it takes." Arrogant replied.  
  
He fired the arrow, right into Shrek's left buttcheek.  
  
"Whoa! I'm feeling weird." Shrek said, "I think I'll sit down."  
  
With that, Shrek fell on his back.  
  
"Uh, oh. He fell on Dork and Peepin." Grisly said.  
  
"Mmmm, NNnnn!" two voices cried out from under Shrek.  
  
"I'll pull them out." Arrogant said, "The rest of you see Fiona."  
  
Goondolt turned Fiona over and saw she was still alive.  
  
"You should be dead." Goondolt told her, "That spear would've gored a stupid, purple, dancing dinosaur, and it should have."  
  
"I'm okay, I'm not hurt." Fiona said, opening her shirt to reveal the Anti-Dramacit Death Vest that she kept under it.  
  
"Okay, got them." Arrogant called, "We better get going, he's starting to wake up."  
  
"Quickly, to the Bridge of Constant Gloom." Goondolt said.  
  
They ran out of the tomb, and into the huge pillar-filled cavern, again. The screams of joy the fangirls could be heard, coming from behind as they were pursued.  
  
Soon, the fangirls were uncountable in numbers as they climbed out of the cracks and other entrances to the cavern.  
  
"Hurry, they are almost upon us!" Leggy shouted as they ran.  
  
"Leggy, don't go!" some of the fangirls cried.  
  
"Arrogant!" others cried.  
  
"We're almost there!" Goondolt shouted as they neared the exit to the cavern. Hope filled the hearts of the Fools they drew nearer.  
  
That hope was shattered when a whole mess of fangirls blocked their path. The Fools turned to run the other way, but they were surrounded.  
  
"We're doomed!" Boredom shouted, and started to cry.  
  
"AAArrrgh! You'll never take me!" Grisly roared.  
  
The fangirls, horrified by the ugliness of Grisly's face, fled in terror.  
  
"Ha! Ha! That'll teach them!" Grisly said, triumphantly.  
  
"We're safe." Goondolt said.  
  
Suddenly, a roar was heard in the cavern, and a light shown from the other side of it.  
  
"Me and my big mouth." Goondolt groaned.  
  
"What is this new devilry?" Boredom asked as it drew closer.  
  
"A Ranerog." Goondolt answered, "A demon straight from Hell. I have met my match with this foe."  
  
"RUN!!" Goondolt ordered, and led the way the exit. He stopped and made sure everyone was out before he actually left.  
  
Boredom ran backwards to make the Ranerog was not near.  
  
"Uh, Borry." Leggy said, pointing.  
  
"What?' Boredom asked, not turning around. He tripped and started to fall into the abyss below.  
  
Leggy grabbed him the shirt and tried to pull him up.  
  
"Hurry and get me up, you Fool of a Elf!" Boredom shouted.  
  
"I would if you were lighter." Leggy answered.  
  
Leggy gave it one more shot and pulled Boredom. Moredom fell forward and onto the Elf.  
  
"OOF!" Leggy said as he felt the air leave his body, "Get off me, and tube of lard!"  
  
"I'm wearing armor, that's why I'm so heavy." Boredom replied.  
  
"I don't care what it is. Just get off me!" Leggy shouted.  
  
They got and up and saw the rest of the Fools, standing there, watching them with smiles on their faces.  
  
"You looked pretty sweet to me, when you two were romantically entangled." Dork teased.  
  
"This never happened, tell no one." Leggy said, through gritted teeth.  
  
"Whatever." Peepin replied, grinning.  
  
With that, they continued on their way. They entered the chamber of staircases, as I like to call it.  
  
"Holy cow!" Leggy mused, "This place would fail a Safety Inspection any day of the week."  
  
They started down the stairs, and everyone wondered, 'Do mimes believe in railings?'.  
  
They came to an inch long crack in the staircase, Leggy ran right across.  
  
He turned around when he didn't hear any other feet following him. They were all cowering on the other side of the crack.  
  
"Um.guys." He asked.  
  
Goondolt was the first to work up enough courage for the leap.  
  
He leaped dramatically in the air and landed on the other side.  
  
Keys landed on the staircase, just on front of the others. They looked to see fangirls throwing them their house keys.  
  
"Dork, Peepin!" Boredom shouted, and jumped across the inch long gap.  
  
"Stan." Arrogant called to the Hobbiraptor, and threw him across.  
  
Arrogant turned to throw Grisly across.  
  
"Nobody, but the English passes a dwarf." He declared, and leaped,a cross. Now, dwarves have very, VERY, bad aim when it comes to leaping from one place to another.  
  
He jumped off to the side and would've gone into the depths below if Leggy (like we're surprised at this point that he has to do everything for these people) hadn't caught him.  
  
Fiona and Arrogant are the only ones left across, and suddenly, the Ranerog causes things to fell and it made the crack bigger, and causing it to stand to break apart.  
  
"You know, if you had just run across, this could've been avoided." Leggy pointed out to the group.  
  
"Shut that gap was an entire inch wide!" Goondolt retorted.  
  
"Goondolt! Use your magic to get us out of this mess." Arrogant called from the other side.  
  
"No. I would much rather just stand here and look worried." Goondolt replied.  
  
"Please, we'll give you a cookie." Fiona called.  
  
"I thought Stan and Peepin ate all of our food?" Goondolt replied.  
  
"No. I managed to save one cookie, and it's yours' if you just help us."  
  
"Okay." With that, Goondolt aimed his magic staff at the piece of breaking staircase.  
  
He drew it nearer and nearer.  
  
"Come on." Leggy said, with his foot in a bed spot for an incoming staircase.  
  
"Leggy, you might want to move your foot." Stan pointed to out to Leggy.  
  
"Oh, yeah. Thanks."  
  
Fiona and Arrogant got close enough to jump and actually did. They amazingly didn't hesitate.  
  
Leggy and Boredom caught them.  
  
The Fools ran down the staircase right away after this.  
  
"Stupid Alan Lee! Peter Jackson was just going to have one camera shot of us going down the stairs until one of his model makers made a gap for us to stop behind!" Goondolt shouted. (I didn't make the events behind that last remark up.)  
  
The bridge came into view.  
  
"Who was this place resigned for?" Leggy asked upon seeing it, "Circus acrobats?"  
  
"KA-BOOM!!" a loud noise was heard as one of the walls collapsed and the Ranerog came through it.  
  
"FLY!" Goondolt yelled to the others.  
  
"We can only run, unless you turn us into flying-monkeys." Fiona answered.  
  
"Okay, RUN!" he shouted.  
  
They ran from the Ranerog.  
  
The bridge itself was only about two feet wide, and a hundred feet long.  
  
The Fools ran across and didn't stop until they were right at the exit, there they turned around, and noticed for the first time Goondolt was not following them.  
  
Goondolt had stopped halfway across the bridge, and was facing the Ranerog alone.  
  
"You cannot pass!" he declared to the vile thing.  
  
It defiantly stepped onto the dridge.  
  
"I, WILL, TEACH, YOU, TO, DEFY, ME!!!!!!" Goondolt and slammed his staff down on the bridge.  
  
The Ranerog stepped back in surprise, and amazingly, didn't hear the bridge cracking the way the entire audience was able to. It stepped onto the bridge again.  
  
The bridge collapsed under it, and with a scream the Ranerog fell.  
  
"There, nothing to worry about now." Goondolt declared, the entire movie audinence said to him, "Don't turn around, don't turn around."  
  
He turns around and the Ranerog's whip flew up and grabbed his leg.  
  
"Doh!" he yelled as he was dragged off the bridge.  
  
Fiona started to run towards him.  
  
"No! No!" Boredom shouted as he grabbed her.  
  
Goondolt looked at the Fools one final time and said, "Run! You dumb bastards!"  
  
With that, he fell into the darkness.  
  
"NO!" Fiona cried,a s Boredom dragged her away.  
  
Boredom noticed that Arrogant was standing there, frazen in his footsteps.  
  
"ARROGANT!" he called to the ranger.  
  
Arrogant didn't respond.  
  
Boredom carried Fiona out of the mountain.  
  
Arrogant still stood there.  
  
Boredom came running back, "For pities sake, come on!" he yelled and grabbed Arrogant by the arm.  
  
"No! He's coming back, you'll see." Arrogant said.  
  
"Man, you have no idea what your saying, he's not coming, not in this book." Boredom told him.  
  
"Okay, I'll go." Arrogant replied, and let himself be dragged out by Boredom.  
  
They all come out of the rear exit and collapsed in dispair.  
  
"Now," Arrogant said, "Boredom and I switch personalities for moment. We must move on!"  
  
"Oh, give them a moment, for pities sake."  
  
"In a very few minutes, these hills will be swarming with fangirls." Srrogant said, "We must reach the woods of Sloth Larden."  
  
"On your feet, Stan-Dumb." Arrogant said, picking Stan up and setting him on his feet.  
  
Peepin was crying with his Dork trying to comfort him.  
  
"Its okay, Peepin. It was all your fault." Dork told him.  
  
"Fiona? Fiona?" Arrogant called to the Embryo bearer, "Geez, we might as well make a 'Losing Fiona' club."  
  
Fiona turned around to look at him, and let one tear go down her. Too bad the audience was already effected as much as they were by Goondolt's 'death'.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.WHAT DANGERS WILL THE FOOLS FIND IN SLUTH LARDEN, AND WILL THE AUTHOR MANAGE TO COME UP WTH ORIGINAL MATRIEL? FIND OUT ON CHAPTER NINE! 


	10. To the Forest of Sloth Larden

CHAPTER NINE  
  
THE FOREST OF SLOTH LARDEN  
  
They ran towards the forest with much speed. They could already hear the fangirls give chase.  
  
"Quickly, into the woods." Arrogant called to his comrades with much concern.  
  
The woods were close.  
  
"Excuse me, but why are we going into a forest that no one has ever come out of alive?" Fiona asked.  
  
"You're looking at me for answers." Arrogant replied, "I'm just following the script?"  
  
"Oh." Fiona said.  
  
"Tolkien must've been in bad mood when he wrote this part of the book." Grisly surmised.  
  
They entered the forest.  
  
"If you just pluck one branch off these trees, you'd be rich." Boredom mused when he saw the silver leaves.  
  
He looked over to see Leggy giving him a death-stare.  
  
"But, I won't." he quickly added.  
  
"Be careful Hobbiraptors. They say a great sorceress that helped a bad elf dude take the Silmarils away, lives in these woods." Grisly cautioned the Hobbiraptors, "A witch that had to wisen up the hard way, she is of terrible power, and can do a very convincing Dark Lord impersonation when offered tools of power."  
  
"What to people that see her?" Peepin asked.  
  
"They fall head over heels for her, and are never the same afterwards." He replied.  
  
"This forest if old, and whole of memories and anger." Leggy started.  
  
"You say that about all magical forests we come across." Arrogant interrupted.  
  
"I know, but its such a cool line." Leggy responded.  
  
"Hmth. Well, this is one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily; I have the useless eyes of a mole, and the ears of a skull." Grisly announced confidently.  
  
"That's not hard to believe." Dork said.  
  
Just then, a whole mess of elves came out nowhere and aimed their arrows at them.  
  
"Welcome to Sloth Larden." Their leader said, in a friendly manner.  
  
"Let me do the talking." Leggy said.  
  
"No. I will the talking, since I am the leader now." Arrongant said.  
  
"I am Hilran, and this is my band of Merry Elves." Hilran told them.  
  
Arrogant looked from elf to elf, not a happy face in sight, "Fatalists?" he asked.  
  
"No. Just merry." Hilran replied.  
  
"Oh." Arrogant breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"You have trespassed on our lands. You must be punished." Hilran announced, "Does anyone here know how we punish intruders?"  
  
A bunch of elves raised their hands, "Ooh, ooh, I know, I know!" came lot of shouts.  
  
"Um.you, since you had your hand up first." Hilran said, pointing to one of the elves.  
  
"We stone them!" the elf said.  
  
"Wrong." Hilran replied, then pointed to another elf, "You."  
  
"We We make them smoke cigarettes with plastic bags covering their heads." He said.  
  
"Wrong, next."  
  
"We'll shove living snakes up their butts!" another said.  
  
"No, but that is very creative." Hilran said, "Next."  
  
"Wait, I know, you show us mercy and let us go." Arrogant cut in.  
  
"Nice try." Hilran said.  
  
"Oh, nuts." Arrogant said.  
  
"We take them to GlandGal, the Lady of Light and Cerebellum so they can decide what to do with them."  
  
"Correct." Hilran replied.  
  
With that, the elves took the Fools deep into the forest.  
  
On the way, one the elves asked Hilran: "Um, are going to follow the book or movie on this?"  
  
"What do you mean?" Hilran asked.  
  
"Well.in the book we're nice to them, but in the movie we weren't."  
  
"Uh, author, what should we do?" Hilran asked.  
  
"Be mean." Drew L. replied, "It's a strange human psychi-thing to think humorous misery is funny."  
  
"Huh?" Hilran asked.  
  
"Watch 'FRIENDS', and you'll see." Drew L. said.  
  
"Oh." Hilran said.  
  
Later, when they arrived at Elven treetop city of Sloth Larden.  
  
"Enjoying the view?" Hilran asked his prisoners.  
  
"We would if you hadn't tied us each to rock that is a third of our sizes, and then made us carry them." Boredom answered.  
  
" 'Let me do the talking' I said, 'no. I will do the talking', you said." Leggy grumbled to Arrogant, "You idiot! Always let me do the talking when we come across territorial elves."  
  
"Shut up!" Arrogant replied, "Things can't get any worst."  
  
"Now you have to climb an almost endless staircase still carrying the rocks." Hilran told them.  
  
"Oh, crud." Arrogant said.  
  
"I hate you." Leggy told him.  
  
They climbed the stairs, and Hilran took mercy on them and untied them from the rocks, because the author couldn't think of anymore gags to do on the way up.  
  
They came to a large porch of a realy house at the top of the tree.  
  
"I feel lightheaded." Peepin said.  
  
"The air is thin up here." Hilran told him, but we elves can take it.  
  
"Stupid elves, always acting so superior." Grisly snarled.  
  
"There is a time and place for insults, and I would reframe from insulting elves in a elven city." Fiona told him.  
  
"Why? What could they do to me? Shoot me?" Grisly asked.  
  
"Do we have to answer that stupid question?" Leggy replied.  
  
"They are coming." Hilran announced as two glowing figures came down the steps that led into the house.  
  
"Ah! I'm blinded!" Peepin said, when he looked at them.  
  
"What new devilry is this?" Grisly asked.  
  
The two figures toned themselves down so the Fools could look at them.  
  
"Greetings, I am Cerebellum, and this is my foxy wife, GlandGal, the Lady of Light." The male elf told them.  
  
Cerebellum looked at group, "Where is Goondolt? I can cannot see him amongst you."  
  
"He wasn't with them when I caught them." Hilran told his employer.  
  
"He has fallen into stench." GlandGal said.  
  
"Yes, it was a Ranerog of Melgore that took him." Leggy said.  
  
"I thought was doing the talking." Arrogant said.  
  
"Well, I'm taking over being the our social talker, since all's you do is raise suspicion." Leggy replied.  
  
"Oh, yeah, well." Arrogant started.  
  
"It probably would be wise to let him, Arrogant." GalndGal said, "Women love him."  
  
"Anyway, if you would be kind enough to get back to topic." Cerebellum said, "There is no hope without Goondolt, you have failed. So, nah, nah, nah! We elves can just get up and leave while the rest of you have to live with Dodgeson."  
  
"No, they haven't failed." GlandGal said, "The quest just quite simply stands upon a wobbly old chair; if its position shifts but a little, then it will fall to the ruin of all, that's all. Nothing to worry about."  
  
"And yet hope remains, while one Fool is true." GlandGal added, looking right at Stan.  
  
"Do not let your hearts be troubled, go now and rest, fore you are weary after all those action-scenes. Tonight, you will sleep on the ground where roots will dig into your backs no matter what position you lie in."  
  
To Be Continued.What New Devilry Awaites Them? Find Out In Chapter Ten! 


	11. Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall, Which is th...

CHAPTER TEN  
  
MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL, WHICH IS THE MOST DISTURBING POSSIBLE FUTUTRE OF THEM ALL?  
  
"La, la, la, la, la, la." a quire of elvish voices sang a Lament to Goondolt as the Fools bedded down for the night.  
  
"It is a Lament to Goondolt." Leggy announced to the group upon hearing the song.  
  
"What they say about him?" Dork asked.  
  
"I have not the heart to tell you, because for me the grief is still too near." Leggy told him.  
  
"Where is it?" Peepin asked looking around.  
  
"That's not what I meant, you fool of a Fool." Leggy replied.  
  
"Why does everyone call me fool?" Peepin asked, whining.  
  
"Beats me." Dork said, sarcastically.  
  
Arrogant noticed Boredom sitting by himself and decided to go over to him and see what was the matter.  
  
"Why don't you take some rest, these boarders are well protected." Arrogant told him.  
  
"Like any of your judgments have been correct. I will find no rest, here. I heard her voice inside my head, that makes yet another voice in my head, dang." Boredom replied, "She said, 'Even now, there is hope left', but I do not see it. It has been long since we had any hope."  
  
Arrogant sat down next to him to hear what he has to say.  
  
"My father is an abusive, deranged, and at the same time, noble man, but his rule is failing, and our people lose faith." Boredom told him, "He looks to me to fix his messes, and I would do it. I would see the glory of Condor, and my father: Detour, Son of Intersection, restored."  
  
"Detour, Son of Intersection?" Arrogant asked.  
  
"Have you ever seen it, Arrogant?" Boredom asked, "The White tower of Ekhart, glimmering like a good piece of SFX. Its banners caught high in the morning breeze. Have you ever been called home by the clear ringing of your father yelling: "Get your ass in here, boy, or I'll slap you silly."  
  
"I have seen Condor, long ago." Arrogant replied.  
  
"One day, our paths will lead us there." Boredon said, "And the tower guard will take up the call, 'that the lords of Condor have returned'."  
  
Arrogant nodded in response, but didn't say anything.  
  
Later, as Fiona slept, GlandGal went to her and called out with her mind.  
  
"Come, Fiona. I must have a word with you."  
  
"Not now, mother. Just a few more minutes and I'll go to school." Fiona replied, not waking up.  
  
"It is not your mother speaking, Fiona, but I, GlandGal, summons you."  
  
"Summon me later." Fiona said, still sleeping.  
  
"Wake up, you simpleton!" GlandGal yelled.  
  
"Okay! Okay! I'm up." Fiona said, with a start.  
  
GlandGal motioned for her to follow her. She led Fiona down to a little hollow.  
  
"Will you look into the mirror?" GlandGal asked, her after collecting water from a nearby steam in a pale.  
  
"What mirror?" Fiona asked.  
  
"That mirror." GlandGal said, point to what looked like a birdbath.  
  
"That's a birdbath." Fiona told her.  
  
"No, it is a magic mirror."  
  
"It must an inconvenience to have to look into to it."  
  
"It shows many things other than your reflection. It show things that were, things that are, and some things, that have not yet come to pass." GlandGal declared.  
  
"Okay, but why can't it be an ordinary looking mirror?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Does it look like I wrote this story?" GlandGal asked.  
  
"No." Fiona replied.  
  
GlandGal poured the water into the mirror/birdbath, and gestured for Fiona I look into it.  
  
Fiona walked up to it and found she was too short to look into it.  
  
"Can I get a stool or something?" Fiona asked.  
  
"No, just stand on your tippytoes." GlandGal answered.  
  
Fiona sighed and tried again to look into the mirror. This time, she was successful, barely.  
  
Nothing happened for minutes.  
  
"Well, I thought that I was going to see?" Fiona asked, impatiently.  
  
"For Pete' sake." GlandGal said, "Jackson, your prop isn't working!"  
  
"Sorry." Their director called back, "I'll get it working again in no time."  
  
The mirror/birdbath started working, suddenly.  
  
The dates, "1977, 1978, and 1980." Appeared.  
  
Fiona glanced up to at GlandGal for an explanation, but she gestured for Fiona to look back into the mirror/birdbath.  
  
Three really bad cartoon adaptions of Tolkien's works flashed across her vision.  
  
Then, the date, "2005", appeared.  
  
It was a stage musical of "The Lord of the Ring"!  
  
"Oh, its horrible!" Fiona cried.  
  
The nostril of Dodgeson appeared.  
  
"Oh, that's where you've been! Come here my pretty!" it said, and began breatheing in, trying to suck Fiona into the mirror/birdbath.  
  
Fiona pulled herself away.  
  
"I know what it is you saw." GlandGal told her, "Fore it is also in my mind. The stage musical is what will come to pass if Howard Shore gets his way and a musical based around the soundtrack he made for "The Lord of the Rings" movies is made. And the cartoons are proof of what happens when you give the filmrights to a classical piece of literature to Rankin and Bass, and to the guy who made, "Fritz the Cat".  
  
"What does this have to do with anything?" Fiona asked.  
  
"It has nothing to with the current situation, but makes one glad that we won't be around to see these things come to pass." GlandGal replied.  
  
"Now, I must tell you this." GlandGal said, "The Fellowship of Fools is breaking, it has already began. He will try to take the Embryo, you know of whom I speak. One by one, it will scramble them all."  
  
"I cannot do this alone." Fiona said.  
  
"Tough." GlandGal said.  
  
"Could you take it?" Fiona asked.  
  
"No!" GlandGal said, "You should really get out of the habit of trying to give it to people, someday, someone will forcefully take you up on that offer."  
  
"Then, I know what I must do. Its just, I am afraid to do it." Fiona said.  
  
"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future, like movie-audiences haven't heard that a million times." GlandGal said.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: GIFTS TO THE FOOLS!  
  
He He 


	12. Gifts of the Fools

CHAPTER ELEVON  
  
GIFTS TO THE FOOLS  
  
The following morning, Cerebellum went out to meet the Fools.  
  
"See I you have all awakened." He said as they stumbled along like zombies, fore they had not slept well. Roots had dug into their backs no matter what position they lied in.  
  
"So much for the hospitality of the elves." Grisly grumbled.  
  
"We have not had dealings with your people in a long time." Cerebellum told him.  
  
"Hey! You stole my line." Hilran called out from a distance, "Great! First they steal my lines, then they kill me off in "The Lord of the Jurassic Parks: The Towers of Redundancy".  
  
"Shut up, at YOU were in part two!" Cerebellum called back.  
  
"Well, you know what this dwarf says to that?" Grisly asked.  
  
"What?" Cerebellum asked.  
  
"I don't know, the author doesn't seem to be able remember where he put his copy of the EE version 'FoF' (The Fellowship of Fools)." Grisly replied.  
  
Cerebellum stiffened in insulted rage.  
  
"Blastphemy!" he shouted out to the author, "You lost the EE version of the 'Fellowship of Fools'?"  
  
"Hey! Its not like you've never lost anything." Drew L. replied.  
  
"I know, but an entire four DVD set?" Cerebellum asked.  
  
"Lay off, or I'll tell everyone how stupid your wife was in "The Silmarillion"." Drew L. snapped.  
  
"No! You mustn't! Okay, okay. I'll back off." Cerebellum replied.  
  
"Why are you here anyway?" Arrogant asked Cerebellum.  
  
"GlandGal insisted that we give you gifts before you leave."  
  
"Yay! Presents!" Stan-Dumb and Peepin squealed.  
  
"My ears!" Dork yelped as they cheered.  
  
Just then, GlandGal and some other elves showed up.  
  
"Now, stand in a line so that I can give you your gifts, on at a time, taking up about twelve pages of the book." She said, sweetly.  
  
The Fools got in a line.  
  
"I'll start at this end." GalndGal said, walking up to Dork and Peepin.  
  
"To you, I give the daggers to elves, long dead." GlandGal said, handing them to the two excited Hobbiraptors, "May they protect you the way they protected their original owners."  
  
"But, you said that their owners died." Dork explaned.  
  
"Yeah, so?" GalndGal asked.  
  
" 'May they protect us the way they proected their original owners'?" Dork asked, "Are you insane! May they protect us better than their original owners."  
  
She moved on to Stan-Dumb.  
  
"To you, Stan, I give rope and a box of Elven dirt." She said.  
  
"Um.thanks." He said, taking the two items.  
  
Next, was Boredom.  
  
"Instead of giving you a mithril vest, which would be the better couse of action, I will give you a chain link belt." She told him.  
  
"Thanks." He said, looking at the gift she gave him, and wondering why she gave it to him when he already had a belt.  
  
"There is no gift better that I can give to you." GlandGal said, stepping up to Arrogant, who was wearing an Elvis necklace.  
  
"I would have her go to the West with her people." He said, knowing where her gaze went.  
  
"Yes." GlandGal replied, "I fear that the graceful Elvis- impersonating of Arnyn will fade."  
  
"Thank God." Arrogant said.  
  
"There is still a lot for you to do, Arrogant." GlandGal told him, "And we will not meet again."  
  
She now walked up to Leggy.  
  
"A Sloth Lardon bow will do for you." She handing him the bow and moving on to Grisly.  
  
"And what would a dwarf ask for?" she wondered out loud.  
  
"Oh nothing." He said.  
  
"I know, a clomp of my hair." She said, handing some of it to him.  
  
"Thanks!" he said, and did a flip in the air.  
  
"And there's more." She told them walking off towards the docks, and gestured for them to follow.  
  
"These boats will carry you out of here really fast." She said.  
  
The boats were already filled with supplies and other stuff.  
  
"Some of the bags have clothes for you." She told them.  
  
"How did you know to get the right sizes." They asked.  
  
"Haven't you ever heard of Elven one size fits all?" she asked them.  
  
"Where's my present?" Fiona asked.  
  
"Oh, um.here, my magic lightbulb." GlandGal told her.  
  
"Yay!" Fiona said.  
  
"Are you happy with your gifts?" GlandGal asked the Fools.  
  
"Yes." They replied.  
  
"Good. Now get out!" she yelled with a voice that sent the other Sloth Larden elves running for the hills.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: THE RIVER REALLY WILD 


	13. The River Really Wild

CHAPTER TWELVE  
  
THE RIVER REALLY WILD  
  
The Fools ran to the boats as fast their legs would carry them.  
  
"I've still got it." GlandGal said.  
  
"No kidding." Cerebellum replied from behind his hiding place.  
  
"Leggy, Grisly. You two get in that boat together." Arrogant ordered.  
  
"But, he smells." Leggy whined.  
  
"And he's too prissy." Grisly grumbled.  
  
"Fiona, Stan, you two are coming with me." He said, ignoring Leggy and Grisly's complaints.  
  
"Dork, Peepin, you two ride with Boredom."  
  
"Oh, no! You're not giving me the troublemakers!" Boredom retorted.  
  
"You will do as told, since I'm the leader." Arrogant said, stiffly.  
  
"Arrogant jerk." Boredom muttered.  
  
"Okay, now let's set off. The river will carry us to safety." Arrogant said.  
  
"Like coming here was a good idea." Leggy said, "If that one elf hadn't remembered what they're supposed to do to intruders, they probably would've burned us or made a bridge out of us."  
  
"That was then, this is now."  
  
"Ever notice that all of Goondolt and Arrogant's decisions make us run into one dangerous confrontation or another, eventually?" Dork asked.  
  
"You think we haven't noticed?" Fiona replied.  
  
"I like their decisions, they've kept us alive so far." Stan cut in.  
  
"Only because some miracle or another keeps saving us." Peepin added.  
  
"Come on, already!" Arrogant ordered with a voice you didn't dare refuse.  
  
Meanwhile, back at Isengoat. Sorehead and his most evil creation, Roger Ebert, stood in his main chamber, with Ebert in a loincloth, AAAAUUUGH!  
  
"You are ready, my little offspring of the abyss." Sorehead told him.  
  
"Do you know how the Critics first came into bringing?" he asked.  
  
"No." Ebert replied.  
  
"You were human once, but taken by the dark-side, then tortured, and mutilated. A terrible and ruined flaw of life." Sorehead explained, "But now, perfected."  
  
"What will you do? Whom do you serve?" Sorehead asked him.  
  
"I will give bad reviews to good movies, and good reviews to bad movies." Ebert replied, "And I serve Sorehead."  
  
Ebert went down to the barracks to get his gear in order to hunt down the Fools.  
  
After, they were ready. Which took a while since they just didn't simply put on their gear and lined up to listen to Sorehead's quick speech. No, Peter Jackson insisted on putting melodrama into the simplest scene.  
  
"Hunt them down, my Critics." Sorehead ordered, "You do not know mercy, you do not know a good movie when it's right in front of you. You will taste the hatred of those you criticize."  
  
With that, the Critics cheered, this was what they were born for.  
  
Sorehead turned to Ebert and said, "One of the Hobbiraptors carries something of great value. Bring them to me alive, and unreviewed. Verbally slam the others into oblivion!"  
  
Ebert grinned evilly, the want for blood was too much.  
  
Ebert led the Critics out of Isengoat towards the Fools, how he actually knew where to begin is beyond the movie-audience.  
  
The Fools set ashore that very evening to spend the night.  
  
Boredom noticed a log floating a little too fast for the current to have been guiding it.  
  
Arrogant noticed it too, and said, "It is Galstone, I had hoped to lose him on the river, but it seems that that little wretch is too dunder- headed to give up."  
  
"We could got o Condor, it would be a safer passage." Boredom said.  
  
"Look, Boredom, we all know what you've been trying to do from the start. Give it a rest." Arrogant replied, gesturing to the rest of the Fools and to the movie-audience.  
  
"Dang! Well, it is still a place of safety, where we could regroup and set off to Biosyn with new strength." Boredom said.  
  
"There is definitely no way I am letting the Embryo come anywhere near your Dad, Boredom." Arrogant said.  
  
"Why not?" Boredom asked.  
  
"Haven't you read the books? Your Dad is nuts!" Arrogant relied, exasperated.  
  
"He is NOT!" Boredom insisted, "He only beats my little brother, Fairdom, into oblivion right in front of me sometimes."  
  
"And you don't call that mentally-unhinged?" Arrogant asked.  
  
"Um.well, I suppose it may warrant being called that." Boredom said.  
  
"Hey, there's a little thing coming." Leggy said upon seeing a weird creature.  
  
"Huh." The others said.  
  
What it was, it could not be seen yet, but it seemed to be both of goat and man.  
  
"Hello, I am Mr. Tumnus." It said, when it had come close enough to talk with the Fools.  
  
"I think you're in the wrong book." Fiona said to him, "How did you get out of the pages of 'The Bitch, the Lion King, and the Dresser?"  
(Please take no offense, Narnia fans)  
  
You see, Mr. Tumnus was a Satyr, the upper half of his body was man-like, but the lower part was goat-like.  
  
"Are any of you Lucy?" he asked.  
  
"No." they replied.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Dork asked.  
  
"You know, the usual, luring innocent humans, the sons of Adam, and the daughters of Eve, to my Queen, the White Bitch."  
  
"Oh, well, in that case, I think you had better just keep moving." Arrogant said, pulling out his sword.  
  
"Forgive me for being inquisitive. But are you sons of Adam?" he asked Arrogant and Boredom.  
  
"We're not brothers! Ew! I am son of Self-Assured." Arrogant replied, stepping away from Boredom.  
  
"I am son of Detour." Boredom also put in.  
  
"Oh, okay, ciao then." Mr. Tumnus replied, leaving.  
  
"Next time, the cameo a character from another book had better be funnier, author." Fiona said.  
  
"Sorry." Drew L. answered.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: THE SEPARATING OF IDIOTS  
  
Please pardon me for having this be such a short chapter. 


	14. The Separating of Idiots and a Fairwell ...

CHAPTER THIRTEEN  
  
THE SEPARATING OF IDIOTS AND A FAIRWELL TO BOREDOM  
  
The water was quiet and cold. As they rowed along, Leggy began to sense that something was amiss, aside from the fact that the boat was almost at water-level due to Grisly's contribution to the weight it carried, and that Boredom grumbled to himself, then would suddenly row right up behind Arrogant's boat, then back off.  
  
They came to a canyon.  
  
"Fiona, look, the Somethings." Arrogant said, tapping Fiona on the shoulder and gesturing to two stone statues that stood on either side of the river.  
  
"They are replicas of my ancesters: Jeff Foxworthy, and his son, Isiodor." He added.  
  
"I'm almost home." Boredom mused, then smiled evilly, "Yes, almost home, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"  
  
Dork and Peepin decided that they were definitely not staying in the same boat as Boredom for the rest of the journey.  
  
"We'll set the boats ashore over their." Arrogant said, seeing a beach. Their were signs marked with words that said, "Warning. These are Fangirl and Critic-infested Shores."  
  
"I have a bad felling about this." Leggy said.  
  
"You say about everyplace we go." Grisly said.  
  
"Yes, and I'm usually right." Leggy replied.  
  
They set ashore and unloaded their stuff.  
  
Fiona walks into the woods, nobody notices, aside from Boredom, who follows her. These guys might as well start a 'Losing the Embryo-Bearer Club'.  
  
"We'll hide the boats, and approach Biosyn from the North." Arrogant announced.  
  
"Oh, yes, just a simple matter of finding our way through Jareth's Labrinth." Grisly said, "And after that, it gets even better, a nasty trip through Tommy Chong's backyard."  
  
"That is our road." Arrogant said, firmly, "You had rest and recover your strength, Master Dwarf."  
  
"My vote is Condor." Peepin said.  
  
"Oh, God, now there are two of them." Arrogant said, exasperated.  
  
Leggy walked up to him and said, "We should leave now."  
  
"No, Fangirls patrol the Eastern shore, we must wait for cover of darkness." Arrogant said.  
  
"It is not the fangirls that worry me, there is a disturbance in the farce, a shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something comes nearer, I can feel it." Leggy continued.  
  
"For once, I think you're right." Arrogant said.  
  
"Hey, where's Fiona?" Dork asked.  
  
"What?" Arrogant said, looking around, "That's it, I'm getting a tracking collar for that turkey."  
  
"Um, she's a Hobbiraptor." Peepin said.  
  
"What a Fool." Dork said.  
  
Fiona walked up the steps of some Numinorian thingy, moping, as usual.  
  
"None of us should mope alone." Boredom said, carrying a truckload of sticks for the fire, "Since so much depends on you. Fiona?" he sais, taking notice of her trying to walk away from him.  
  
"I know you suffer, I can see it day by day. Are you sure you don't suffer needlessly." Boredom said.  
  
Fiona looked at him, questioningly.  
  
"There are other ways, Fiona, other paths to that have already been traveled by many, and hey, they all either died, or go around gurgling, "Preciousss." Boredom explained.  
  
"The entire audience and I know what you would say, and it seem as dumb as it actually is."  
  
"Dumb, why. We're all afraid of what Peepin might do, but we can't let that fear drive us to destroy what hope we have. Can't you see that is madness?"  
  
"I'm not sure I follow your logic." Fiona said, trying to see where that could add up to one plus one.  
  
"I ask only for the strength to defend a city that almost puts New York to shame in size!" he said, dramatically throwing the sticks to the ground.  
  
"If you would lend me the rights to the Embryo." he said.  
  
"No." she said.  
  
"What chance do you think you have, despite their incompetence, they will find you. They will buy out the rights to the Embryo, and you will beg for parley before the end!" he shouted.  
  
Fiona turned her back on him and started to walk away, as usual, everything she does explodes in her face.  
  
"Come back, I'll infringe the copyrights if I have to!" he shouted.  
  
Fiona began to run away from him, but she was caught, also as usual and much to the not surprised audience.  
  
She activated the Embryo and vanished.  
  
"How." Boredom started to ask when she vanished.  
  
She caught him off guard and kicked him between the legs, then put him in a headlock.  
  
"Say, uncle." She said.  
  
"Uncle." Boredom wept.  
  
With that, she ran off.  
  
"I was pistil-whipped by a pipsqueak. That hurts my manliness." He wept some more, "Fiona, I'm sorry, don't tell anyone, okay."  
  
She was far away by this time.  
  
'Poor Boredom, he never knew he could be beat by a Hobbiraptor.' She thought as she ran.  
  
"Fiona." A voice called.  
  
"Oh, that's what I forgot to do." She said to herself, and deactivated the Embryo.  
  
"Fiona?" the voice called, again, this time from behind.  
  
She turned to see Arrogant standing behind her.  
  
"He made me activate it, it took over Boredom." She said, quickly.  
  
"Where is the Embryo?" he asked, sternly.  
  
"Stay away!" she said, sensing that the Embryo was at work in him as well.  
  
"Fiona, I swore to protect you." He said.  
  
"Arrogant, I must go on to Biosyn alone." Fiona said.  
  
"Uh." Arrogant replied.  
  
"No, no. Stop it, no mushy good-byes, I must go." She said, beginning to walk away.  
  
"Um.Fiona." He began to say.  
  
"No. That's it, I mind is made up, I must go. Good-bye." She said, "Don't make this harder than it already is."  
  
"I didn't say anything."  
  
Stop it! You can't change my mind. Farewell, I hope to meet you again someday. I mean it, farewell." She added, then ran off, crying.  
  
"Well, that was weird." He said.  
  
"There's one of them now." A voice yelled.  
  
Arrogant whirled around and saw the most horrible thing ever: Critics!!!!!  
  
He drew out his sword.  
  
He sounded his battlecry, "Foxworthy!"  
  
"Foxworthy, now there's a guy who tells dry and unfunny jokes." One critic said.  
  
"Yes, I agree, he thinks that's he's funny outside of the Redneck community, but he's." another one started.  
  
"Stop it!" Arrogant cried and changed at them.  
  
They came at him, with negative review upon negative review, he slashed and punched at them and they fell. But more came.  
  
Just as Arrogant's strength was about to give out, an arrow flew by his head, and he knew that help had arrived.  
  
"The strength of the isolationist elves and dwarves comes to your aid." Leggy shouted as he did more cool bow and arrow tricks that make the female members of the audience faint.  
  
"Prissy elf." Grisly said as he took one, then another critic down.  
  
Meanwhile, Fiona was running, then tripped for the millionth time. She looked up and saw the critics coming. Not wanting to be reviewed, she hid behind a twig and waited for them to pass by.  
  
"Hi, Fiona." They each said as they ran by.  
  
"Fiona!" Dork hissed from his hiding place, "Hide here, come on."  
  
She shook her said, and looked towards the critics to see when the next opportunity to escape came.  
  
"What's she doing?" Peepin asked.  
  
"She's leaving." Dork replied.  
  
"No!" Peepin said, and jumped up and out of the hiding spot for reasons nobody will ever know.  
  
"Peepin, you Fool!" Dork replied.  
  
Dork looked up to see that the critics had spotted them.  
  
He turned to Fiona and said, "Go, Fiona, run."  
  
"Hey, over here. This way!" Dork and Peepin yelled to the critics.  
  
"Do you think that they're leading us away from something?" one asked.  
  
"That's impossible." Another replied.  
  
"It's working!" Peepin, Stater of the Obvious, said as the critics chased them.  
  
"No duh!" Dork replied.  
  
The two Hobbiraptors ran until they that they were surrounded.  
  
"Of all the rotten luck we've had so far, this is by far, the worst." Dork said.  
  
Suddenly, when all hope was lost, Boredom charged in, with his sword drawn.  
  
"In the name of all that can be farced!" he cried as killed one, then another critic.  
  
From here, just picture the fight that ensues in the film, okay.  
  
Roger Ebert walked up to where he could what was kicking the butts of his less than incompetent army.  
  
"One against one hundred." Ebert mused, "When Sorehead made us, he must've crossed Orks with the French."  
  
Then, he took out the most feared thing in all of Fiction-Earth, a Bad-Review Arrow. He fitted it into the bowstring of his bow and aimed for Boredom.  
  
Boredom jumped away from the critics to get out of the fray, but ironically stepped out to where he was in clear shot of Ebert's arrows.  
  
One, then another, then a third pierced him.  
  
"AH! The bad reviews, too much to handle, save yourselves, Dork and Peepin." He gasped.  
  
They made a run for it, but it was too late. They were captured and carried off.  
  
Boredom suddenly saw two feet in front of him.  
  
"Now wait a minute here, where there's feet, there's a body attached to it, usually." He thought to himself. Proud of his logic, he looked up to Ebert, standing over him, aiming another arrow.  
  
Suddenly, Arrogant jumped out of nowhere and the two warriors fell to the ground.  
  
Ebert and Arrogant's swords clashed.  
  
After a bit of swordfighting, Arrogant sliced one of Eberts arms, but it had no effect.  
  
"What the.you should be begging for death right now." Arrogant said, confused.  
  
"What? This little cut?" Ebert said, gesturing to where his arm used to be, "I've been hurt worst than this before."  
  
"Liar." Arrogant said, "Nobody gets hurts that bad and says that 'he was hurt worst before'."  
  
Ebert charged him again, and got his other arm cut off.  
  
"Well, that's that." Arrogant said, turning his back to Ebert.  
  
'Whack!' Arrogant felt a sharp pain on the back of his left leg.  
  
He whirled around to Ebert, still trying to fight him.  
  
"What are you doing?" he asked.  
  
"Come on, big boy. Let's see what your made of." Ebert replied.  
  
"You have no arms left." Arrogant exclaimed.  
  
"So what." Ebert said, kicking him again.  
  
"Now stop that!"  
  
"Make me." Ebert replied.  
  
"Very well." Arrogant said, and chopped Ebert's legs off.  
  
Arrogant ran over to Boredom.  
  
"Hey! Come back here and face me like a man, I'll bite your legs, you little crud-ball." Ebert yelled.  
  
"They took the little ones." Boredom explained.  
  
"Hold still." Arrogant told him.  
  
"Fiona, where is Fiona?" Boredom asked.  
  
"Well, we had a very strange discussion and she left." Arrogant replied.  
  
"Then you did what I could not. I tried to take her up on her constant offering the Embryo to people." Boredom said, "Forgive me, did not know that the offer had expired."  
  
"You fought bravely Boredom, you have kept your likableness amongst the audience-members." Arrogant said, starting to pull one of the arrows out.  
  
"Leave it in. Game Over." Boredom said, "All will come to be monopolized by Biosyn, and the Free Corporations will be ruined."  
  
"I don't know what strength is in my DNA, but I will not let Ingen fall, nor will our people fold."  
  
"Our people, our people." Boredom whispered, "I would have followed you, my bro, my general, my King." Boredom said, then his slowly closed for the final time.  
  
Arrogant felt a great pain in his heart, "Rest on Piece, Son of Detour." He said.  
  
Just then, Leggy and Grisly showed up, and joined in the mourning of Boredom.  
  
TO BE CONCLUDED. 


	15. Epilogue

EPILOGUE  
  
Fiona stood on the shore. Considering her options, go on alone, or risk having her Fools go insane, one by one.  
  
'Wish the author hadn't included me in all of this, and I wish he hadn't dragged my beloved friends, Stan-Dumb, Dork, and Peepin into it either.' She thought to herself, but then she remembered what Goondolt told her that day in the underground city of the Mimes of Moria. It was: 'So do all who live in fantasy sagas that have been written since "The Lord of the Rings", and are filled with suspiciously Sauron-like villains, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to do is decide what to do with the time the author gives you.'  
  
It was then, that she realized that she had to go on alone. She put the Embryo back into her pocket (which must have smelled awful by now), pushed one the boats into the water, and got in.  
  
She began to paddle away.  
  
Stan emerged from the treeline and cried out her name to get her attention.  
  
"No Stan." She said.  
  
He began wading into the water and catch up the boat.  
  
"Go back Stan, I'm pompous enough to think that I can go anywhere without you." She said.  
  
"Of course you are, and I'm coming with you." Stan declared.  
  
"You can't swim." Fion yelled.  
  
That didn't stop him, got to where the water was too deep for him to stand and he started to try to swim.  
  
"Stan?" Fiona asked, "What do you think you're doing?"  
  
"I'm coming, Fiona, I'm coming." He said, just before going under again.  
  
'Dumb, dumb, dumb!' he thought to himself, 'Why didn't I just drop the pots and pans?'  
  
A shadow fell over him, and he saw Fiona reach down and grab his hand.  
  
She pulled him aboard.  
  
"Stan, you dummy, you almost drowned yourself." She told him.  
  
"But, I made a promise, Mrs. Fiona, a promise. 'Count your blessings, keep them sweet'." He said, "And I intend to, I intend to."  
  
"Um, right, Stan." Fiona said, patting him on the back, "Come on, let's go."  
  
With that, they paddled away to the other shore.  
  
Meanwhile, Arrogant, Leggy, and Grisly shoved Boredom into a boat to give him funeral, Navy-style.  
  
"Look, Fiona and Stan have reached the eastern shore." Leggy said, spotting the two Hobbiraptors on the opposite beach, walking away. He grabbed a boat and started to push it into the water.  
  
"I don't intend to follow them." Arrogant said.  
  
"Why not?" Leggy asked.  
  
"It has all been in vain, the Fellowship of Fools has failed." Grisly said.  
  
"Not if we hold true to eachother, we will follow the trail of critics and rescue Dork and Peepin." Arrogant announced.  
  
"What would be the point of that, we'd be facing main group this time?" Grisly asked.  
  
"We'll do it so that the irrelevant events of "The Towers of Redundancy", can take place before the actual plot picks up again in "The Return of the Foxworthy"." Arrogant answered.  
  
Leggy and Grisly looked at eachother, then looks of determination crossed their faces.  
  
"Yes!" Grisly laughed.  
  
"Leave everything that we can spare behind, we'll travel light, let us hunt some Critic." Arrogant said.  
  
With that, the three ran off in the general direction they last saw the army of Critics retreating in.  
  
Fiona and Stan reached the top of rocky hill, overlooking the lands of Biosyn.  
  
"Biosyn." Fiona said, "I hope the others find a safer road."  
  
"Don't worry, they'll make another miraculous escape." Stan assured.  
  
"I don't suppose we'll ever see them again." Fiona said.  
  
"We may yet, God-willing, at the end part three." Stan said.  
  
"Stan." Fiona said, "The audience-members that have read the books and I are glad you're with me."  
  
She patted him on the shoulder and began walking down the hill. Stan paused a moment, then started to follow her.  
  
END OF PART ONE 


End file.
